To Cry or To Lie?

To Cry or To Lie?
I swear, sometimes, i down-talk myself so much, that i am my own worst enemy.There are times i want to cry so bad, and i wont let myself. And then, i get to the point where I can't hold it in any longer, and it come falling out of me. If i would just let myself cry when i feel it, they would be little burst of tears, silent, and slow. but i hold them in. I get scared someone will see, "What if they know how weak i am?" I get scared people will talk about me. I get scared people will say "Get over it already!" My mom always ask me "Whats Wrong Patty?" when she sees me crying, but I'm not used to that. Before, if i was crying, she would say "Whats wrong now?!" Or "Oh God.. that's not that big of a deal!"I've had depression for over 10 years, and she never really showed any sincere concern. And now, when she is hurting now too, she shows some? that's not fair! I never know what to expect, and I'm scared to open up! I want to just ball my eyes out, to yell and scream, and cry! But i cant. I get too scared. What will they say to make me feel like shit, or for that fact.. what will they say to make themselves feel better?How can I keep doing this? I no longer have a sitter for the mornings, which means i no longer have a sitter for me to go to the Dr's. How am i going to do this? How can i keep pretending that I'm OK until i loose it? I have a constant fear of people, and what they are thinking, or feeling. and that goes so beyond this adoption thing that its not even funny!I spend more time worried what people are saying about me behind my back (and even in front of me) then i do being happy about life. My brother is a huge part of that, because even the sight of him in a photo makes my stomach turn. Every time i see him, he makes me cry. I'm 23 fucking years old, and he still makes me cry. that's pathetic. My dad still acts like I'm the runt of the pack and he is a school bully. I have tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about it. And people tell me i need to get over it, or that i need to find out what I'm doing wrong. But half the time, i sit there with tears in my eyes, and all i hear is "OH come on Patty! They are just playing around!" Or if i complain about how my brother Mike treats me, my dad says "Well look how you treat him!" I sit there, like a small child who is scared to move, and that's how i treat him? I let him have at it, till i cant take it anymore, then i tell him to fuck off, or go to hell.There are honestly times i wish i could shoot him. I wish i could get rid of him. I wish i could cause him such pain... so he could see how he makes me feel. He just doesn't get it! He thinks its a joke, that its a game. Half the time i wonder if he is trying to push me over the edge. I swear there are times i see this look in his eyes that is yelling at me to go off myself.the whole point is... my family has never given a shit about how i felt before, but now that i did something that hurt all of them too, they are interested? For what? to use it against me later? Do they want to know how i feel inside so they can try and help ease the pain, or so they can throw it back at me once i am happy again? Do i cry about all of my pain, and talk it out, or do i hide it so they cant hurt me even worse later? .... Its pretty sad when all the crying you do is over your family that is always there, and not about missing the family that isn't.I never thought i could say this about him... But i hate my brother.... and i wish he would leave and never come back around, and i wish he would take my father with him,
2006-11-12 20:34:56 GMT