Its been a while 12-19-06

Its been a while
Christmas is comign up, and its starting to become real to me. Its slowly creaping into my mind, and heart, that something is missing. I just cant put my finger on it. But i know what it is; my son.But, he isnt my son, is he? Nom he has two wonderful parents that i wouldnt trade for the world. I know he is happy, and i know they are as well. But now its starting to get to me. IT hasnt really hit me yet, and i often wonder if it will. Do i know in my heart so well, that I made the right decision? And that makes it so much easier? But, if i know it was the best thing for both of us, then why am i starting to miss him this way? I miss him as an emptiness, as a child in my arms, not as my son. I want to see him when i wake up, and i want to hear his sweet cry again. I want to watch him feed from his bottle, and i want to wipe his chin when the milk runs down. But my wish isnt to keep him. I only had one wish for him, and that was for him to have the best life i could give him, and he has that now.but i still miss him...I look at the christmas tree, still bare, and i wonder if he knows that I wont be there. I see the angel figures we'll display on christmas, and I think of Heather and Robin. I know they knew how it felt to find out neither could carry a child. Do they really understand how i feel to have given my child to a better home?Its hard. I love all of them so much, but i am still jelous. I still want to spend alone time with Keaton. I feel like i missed a lot by not taking advantage of the time in the hospital. but then, i feel like, it was better, because he got to bond with his Momma. Christmas brings about so much pain. But i thought it would skip me this year, i thought my heart was healing well, and i thought my mind was allowing me to express myself when i needed to. But, in the end, i guess there is more inside of me that i need to get out, and talk about, then i realised. I didnt want to run anyone off. I didnt want to loose that connection. I lost my son, i didnt want to loose my child.
2006-12-19 16:31:37 GMT