God has a way, to make his presence known 11-14-06

God has a way, to make his presence known
Sometimes, people get a little sad, sometimes people get a little anxious, and sometimes people get a little scared or nervous. And well, some people live their lives that way, every day. I've cried more in my life, then i think an average person should. the bad part is, i know Im not the only person who feels that way. And now, this isnt compleatly about the adoption. I have other things that hurt me to. I am a very emotional person, and i neever though I would be able to actually handle this. but, now I know I can.I started praying as soon as I found out i was pregnant. Parying for some type of closure with my past, praying for forgiveness if i did something i would have regreted later. I even prayed that someone woudl show me the right way. And then, i prayed for an angel. I know it sounds silly, but, i really did. I prayed that God would send an angel into my room at night, to watch me, and to make sure i didnt do the wrong thing. I even asked him to let me talk to this angel, and to let me see this angel. I wanted so bad to see some proof, to see something that woudl make me believe again. when i found out i was pregnant by another man besides Nate, i felt as if, even though I was the person who chose to lay in bed with another man, that God was punishing me in a way that would show me i would never be forgiven. I wanted so badly to klnow he still loved me, and i wouldnt believe it unless he showed me his angle, or showed himself to me even.I went through the first couple months praying every night, even after i knew the adoption match was perfect. I still needed to know he loved me, and that i wasnt doing the wrong thing. Someone once told me, the Devil can make something feel perfect, untill he is ready to spring his true purpose on you. And i was scared i was being set up for my ultimant break-down.But, i never saw an angel, and even when i opened my heart and ears, and mind, i never heard God responding to my prayers. I would cry for a sign, "Just make the curtains move" but they would stand still. "If the baby kicks in the next 5 minutes, i know its the right thing to do..." But the baby wouldnt move for an hour, and i would reason.. "He is sleeping" But cant god make anything happen?Yes, he can... and he did. But i didnt realise it, because i was too busy looking for things that werent there. But now, I realise he did send me an angel... three, actually. And the funny thing is, I had one of his angels growing inside of me. And the other two? they were going to raise him for me. But it is so hard to believe, that someone has faith in you, when your whole life, you have believed that you didnt amount to anything.But H has become such a force in my life. I had a good mom growing up, but I am SO glad my son will have the life he has. All the time i was asking for an Angel, and God had already sent them. I never knew she would be such a driving force in my life. A part of me feels bad for saying these things, but she trully is the type of mother i wanted. I love my mom, and i wouldnt trade her for the world. but she has her own things to deal with, and i think in a way, she is such a peacemaker, that growing up, she just didnt have the energy when she was done makeing that peace. And i feel like i lost out on a lot.
Sometimes, i look make, and make actual notes "I want to do this, because i remember how much fun it was when my mom did it with me" But, most of my notes say, "I always wanted my mom to do this, and im going to make sure i do that with my daughter."but, the point of this blog is this...Dont look for the things you asked for... look for the things you ask for. I aksed so many times for God to send one of his angels into my room at night, ti keep watch over me, but the one thing i asked for the most, was for God to send me one of his Angels, and he did.
2006-11-14 15:02:49 GMT