Entry for November 9, 2006

Entry for November 9, 2006
Lastnight was bad. It was harder then any night i have had in a long time. And it scares me.I spent more time crying, and feel like crap, then anything else. There are times i wonder when this is all going to end, and there are other times that it never even crosses my mind. I feel like if i dont open his lifebook, i wont remember him, and there are times when i feel like, if i open his lifebook, i will loose my mind.I spent most of my pregnancy viewing it as a surrogancy, and now, when i think of him, i feel like maybe i dont have the right to. I disconnected myself almost right after i found out i was pregnant. and now, i feel like i ay never have a good connection with him ever.I feel like, i shoudl just let go, and let this couple raise their child. But, there is another part of me that wants to see him. But, im scared to. they tell me im welcome any time! To just call, and let them know when im coming! but, what will i do when i get there? Sit on the couch and watch them care for my son? No, their son... He isnt my son that way anymore.At the hospital, i coudl ask them to please give me some time with the baby, and they couldnt say no. But now, i dont have that right. I cant say "I'll feed him this time." I have to say, "Would it be ok if i fed him?"And there is a part of me that knows they would say of course, and yes! But i feel strange even asking. I never have a problem asking other people if i can hold their child, or feed them (as long as i know the person well enough). but, it just feels different with them. there is a huge part of me that wants to go visit him now, to see him before the dedication, but, im not sure how i would handle it. So, im not sure if i want to go...
2006-11-09 16:54:42 GMT