So, I just want to repost this, because not all birth moms are lucky enough to have found a family like I did.
To all the birth moms out there who happen to be spending their first christmas without their baby... I just want to let all of you know I am keeping you in my prayers...
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
Today I’ll write my list out,
It really isn’t much,
Maybe just a phone call,
A picture, letter, or such.
Its only been a month,
Plus a few days more,S
ince the day I saw them take,
My baby out the door.
I swore I wouldn’t cry,
and for days I didn’t dare,
I knew that he understood,
I know he knew I cared.
But this year my list will be different,
No CDs, candles or clothes,
I only want one thing from you,
And that’s to let him know I love him so.....
Perhaps this isn’t an order,
That you can fill yourself,
So maybe you can ask God,
If he can offer a little help.
After all He sent the angels,
that comfort my little man,
So maybe he could ease my fears,
I've done all I can.
So now I’ll close this letter,
With a thank you, and a please,
Send my boy a piece of my heart,
Because this Christmas he wont be with me.
Love Always,
A Birth-Mother
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sometimes its not all about adoption...
I felt the need to speak out on this, even though it doesnt have to do with adoption.
I recently left (for good) a 8 month relationship. She and I both had emotional issues we were dealing with, but weeks ago, I started seeing a difference. I never knew who she would be from one day to the next, and in the end I had no idea she was who she turned out to be.
I sit here now, with a swollen eye, that is brused purple, because I told her I was leaving for good.
PLEASE, if you know someone who is in this kind of relationship, do what you can to help them leave. PLEASE dont sit by and think they will get out when they are ready. PLEASE dont assume they can do it on their own. PLEASE dont think they are stong enough to take care of it.
In the end,w e all need someone to tell us we are worth it, and if the person we are in a relationship is telling us we are not worth it, then we need someone else to tell us we are.
I recently left (for good) a 8 month relationship. She and I both had emotional issues we were dealing with, but weeks ago, I started seeing a difference. I never knew who she would be from one day to the next, and in the end I had no idea she was who she turned out to be.
I sit here now, with a swollen eye, that is brused purple, because I told her I was leaving for good.
PLEASE, if you know someone who is in this kind of relationship, do what you can to help them leave. PLEASE dont sit by and think they will get out when they are ready. PLEASE dont assume they can do it on their own. PLEASE dont think they are stong enough to take care of it.
In the end,w e all need someone to tell us we are worth it, and if the person we are in a relationship is telling us we are not worth it, then we need someone else to tell us we are.
Monday, November 9, 2009
My life isnt ALL about adoption
Yes, thats right, my life is not all about adoption. Shocking, isn't it?
I have come accross quite a few people with quite a few differnt views on my life and the choices I have made, but, it really doesnt bother me. Yes, I did place my son in adoption, but not because I wanted to give him away, but because I wanted to give him more then I had. I already had a child I was trying to take care of, and I knew I couldnt care for another one. And its days like today when im glad I made the decision I made.
Today my life isnt about adoption, its about the H1N1.
When this thing first came out, it was all over, "(this many) people died this year fromt he swine flu.", "The local schools were shut down due to an outbreak of the flu, H1N1 results have not come in yet.", "the swine flu is taking over!" OK, so look...
I myself, just like everyone else I am sure, was scared shitless to get H1N1, i really thought I would die from it. Then they shots came out, and Im like dude... I get sick as a dog from the normal flu shot, I dont even wanna think about what that one would do to me. So, i didnt go get the shot, and i didnt get it for Kat either. So, my daughter and I are not vaccinated. No big deal, right?
WRONG.
Last tuesday, I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasnt too thrilled. Anyways, I got home, and started feeling crappy. My first thought was that this is my bodys way of telling me what lays ahead of me. So, I took about 3 hot baths, and laid down in bed, but I couldnt sleep. around midnight, I started throwing up, and around 1am, my first fever spike hit. Not fun...
Wednesday morning, I wake up, kat gets on the bus, and I drive myself to the ER - my vomit is like dark green, yea, not too sure what that was all about. Anyways, they pumped me with fluids, and sent me home. Never even sent out blood work, just, told me I had a virus, and have me some Motrin. NICE
Thursday, I feel like Im on my death bed. I cant move, I cant eat, I cant cough because i'll just throw up what I dont have inside me. And its getting harder to breath when I go up and down the steps. THAT is not like me at all. Im a bigger girl, but Im also healthy, and can easily take every flight of steps in our house and not miss a step, a beat, or breath heavy.
Friday morning comes, I call the doctors office - go back to the ER. OK!
Get into the ER, and they have me there for a while. I have Pnumonia, but the quick flu test came back negative... PHEW! that was close, I was scared I was going to have H1N1.
"So the quick test is only 50/50, sometimes it catches it, sometimes it doesnt, so we need to take llike a gallon of yoru blood a few skin graphs, a kidney biopsy, and possibly half a lung!" WHAT THE!!! Ok, just kidding, but they did say it only catches it half the time. So then why did they do the test at all?
Anyways, that was it, they admitted me, and thank god they did, because the H1N1? Came back positive
Today is Monday, and they are goign to send me home. But for now, I am getting dizzy, and need to pay back down. I'll fill in the 2 day gap when I get up.
I have come accross quite a few people with quite a few differnt views on my life and the choices I have made, but, it really doesnt bother me. Yes, I did place my son in adoption, but not because I wanted to give him away, but because I wanted to give him more then I had. I already had a child I was trying to take care of, and I knew I couldnt care for another one. And its days like today when im glad I made the decision I made.
Today my life isnt about adoption, its about the H1N1.
When this thing first came out, it was all over, "(this many) people died this year fromt he swine flu.", "The local schools were shut down due to an outbreak of the flu, H1N1 results have not come in yet.", "the swine flu is taking over!" OK, so look...
I myself, just like everyone else I am sure, was scared shitless to get H1N1, i really thought I would die from it. Then they shots came out, and Im like dude... I get sick as a dog from the normal flu shot, I dont even wanna think about what that one would do to me. So, i didnt go get the shot, and i didnt get it for Kat either. So, my daughter and I are not vaccinated. No big deal, right?
WRONG.
Last tuesday, I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasnt too thrilled. Anyways, I got home, and started feeling crappy. My first thought was that this is my bodys way of telling me what lays ahead of me. So, I took about 3 hot baths, and laid down in bed, but I couldnt sleep. around midnight, I started throwing up, and around 1am, my first fever spike hit. Not fun...
Wednesday morning, I wake up, kat gets on the bus, and I drive myself to the ER - my vomit is like dark green, yea, not too sure what that was all about. Anyways, they pumped me with fluids, and sent me home. Never even sent out blood work, just, told me I had a virus, and have me some Motrin. NICE
Thursday, I feel like Im on my death bed. I cant move, I cant eat, I cant cough because i'll just throw up what I dont have inside me. And its getting harder to breath when I go up and down the steps. THAT is not like me at all. Im a bigger girl, but Im also healthy, and can easily take every flight of steps in our house and not miss a step, a beat, or breath heavy.
Friday morning comes, I call the doctors office - go back to the ER. OK!
Get into the ER, and they have me there for a while. I have Pnumonia, but the quick flu test came back negative... PHEW! that was close, I was scared I was going to have H1N1.
"So the quick test is only 50/50, sometimes it catches it, sometimes it doesnt, so we need to take llike a gallon of yoru blood a few skin graphs, a kidney biopsy, and possibly half a lung!" WHAT THE!!! Ok, just kidding, but they did say it only catches it half the time. So then why did they do the test at all?
Anyways, that was it, they admitted me, and thank god they did, because the H1N1? Came back positive
Today is Monday, and they are goign to send me home. But for now, I am getting dizzy, and need to pay back down. I'll fill in the 2 day gap when I get up.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Medical history
Sometimes its hard for me to hear about my little man getting sick, but its eaven harder to know that im sick.
I am so glad im in an open adoption, but even more so because I know that things like medical history can be shared. This way, they can know about something I might be going through, and they can let me know about anything Keaton is going through. I have other kids, so, its good to know if something is hereditary, if i should look out for it with the other two.
Anyways, thats something to think about. If you are going into a closed adoption, make sure you provide all of the medical history you possibly can! And if you are in an open adoption, fully open or semi-open, make sure you are passing that information back and forth.
I really think the health of our babies is whats most important. So, know whats going on, or what could be going on is the best plan of action.
I am so glad im in an open adoption, but even more so because I know that things like medical history can be shared. This way, they can know about something I might be going through, and they can let me know about anything Keaton is going through. I have other kids, so, its good to know if something is hereditary, if i should look out for it with the other two.
Anyways, thats something to think about. If you are going into a closed adoption, make sure you provide all of the medical history you possibly can! And if you are in an open adoption, fully open or semi-open, make sure you are passing that information back and forth.
I really think the health of our babies is whats most important. So, know whats going on, or what could be going on is the best plan of action.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
October 28th, 2009
Birth Mom Buds!!!
I have to give major Kudos to Coley and Lani, the founders of Birth Mom Buds (www.birthmomdubs.com).
They created a web site for women who are; pregnant and thinking of placing, women who are in the process of placing, or women who have already placed. This site offers so much for the birthmoms, and also for AParents to find out what its like from a BMoms point of view.
Sometimes we just need to get things out, but dont want to tell the AParents, and sometimes the AParents want to know things, but are too scared to ask the BMom. This site is an amazing wealth of knowledge, and resources for anyone in the adoption triad.
Pleasse check it out if you have any questions about, or are concidering adoption. I've never had the pleaser to talk to Lani, but I know Coley is the most amazing BMom I have ever met. But, being back in the BMB Circle, I know I will meet many more!!!
Please e-mail them i you have any questions, or you can e-mail me and I can give you any information I have!
Cleveland_nc@yahoo.com
I have to give major Kudos to Coley and Lani, the founders of Birth Mom Buds (www.birthmomdubs.com).
They created a web site for women who are; pregnant and thinking of placing, women who are in the process of placing, or women who have already placed. This site offers so much for the birthmoms, and also for AParents to find out what its like from a BMoms point of view.
Sometimes we just need to get things out, but dont want to tell the AParents, and sometimes the AParents want to know things, but are too scared to ask the BMom. This site is an amazing wealth of knowledge, and resources for anyone in the adoption triad.
Pleasse check it out if you have any questions about, or are concidering adoption. I've never had the pleaser to talk to Lani, but I know Coley is the most amazing BMom I have ever met. But, being back in the BMB Circle, I know I will meet many more!!!
Please e-mail them i you have any questions, or you can e-mail me and I can give you any information I have!
Cleveland_nc@yahoo.com
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
October 27th, 2009
I think the one thing we always take for granted, is the one thing thats sitting right in front of u. We see it every day, we interact with it every day, and we just assume it will be there every day.
Thats not always so.
I once had a friend tell me that letting something go, and waiting for it to come back is bullshit. Well, i guess thats why I chose open adoption. I nevr have to let him go, and I never have to wait for him to come back, at least not by my choice.
One other thing I will never take for granted? My Girlfriend.
I never knew what letting go ment untill I found her. Not because I let her go, but because I thought I woudl have to, long story, and its not ment for this blog. But, she also helped me let go of all the guilt I still felt for the adoption. after 3 long open years, i still felt guilty, and felt bad. But she made me see, and made me feel, that it was, and always will be the right coice, even in the bad times.
Thats not always so.
I once had a friend tell me that letting something go, and waiting for it to come back is bullshit. Well, i guess thats why I chose open adoption. I nevr have to let him go, and I never have to wait for him to come back, at least not by my choice.
One other thing I will never take for granted? My Girlfriend.
I never knew what letting go ment untill I found her. Not because I let her go, but because I thought I woudl have to, long story, and its not ment for this blog. But, she also helped me let go of all the guilt I still felt for the adoption. after 3 long open years, i still felt guilty, and felt bad. But she made me see, and made me feel, that it was, and always will be the right coice, even in the bad times.
October 27th, 2009
If anything, Im lucky. Its just that simple.
My daughter is a blessing to me, because she really keeps me on my toes; my son, as much as I dislike his father at times, is being taken care of, and my BirthSon?? He is so blessed, and so am I, to have found such an amazing family to place him with.
Keaton recently turned three, like litereally just days ago. I got to talk to him on his birthday, and we also got to go to his birthday party. It amazes me sometimes how open his family is with he and I. The one thing his Mommy said is, her son will have no secrets, and his Momma is the most wonderful person I know. Yes.... he has two moms, well, three if you count me :)
Anyways, you can go through my past blogs, and read them all, from just days after the placement till today. It really tells an amazing story of two families becoming one. I know that open adoption does work for everyone, or that some people wish they could have had an open adoption but didnt, or that some people were forced to give their child up for different reasons.
Just be wanred, this blog is me pouring out my soul. For women who are pregnant and need to know what it could be like, for women who have an open adoption and need to know "if this is normal", and for aParents who just have questions they wish they could ask the bMom, but are too scared to.
But, to those of you who are in a closed adoption, those of you who have never seen a photo, or gotten a letter, or heard your child say "I Love You", your not alone. I have been told for 3 years that my situation is more unique then anyone else's, and so far thats been true.
My daughter was involved with doctor visits, their daughter was involved with Doctor visits, they took turns finding the baby's heartbeat. They were both at the Entrustment Ceremony, and my daughter was there the day Keaton was born.
Keatons Momma coached me throguh labor with my moms help, and his Mommy cut the umbilical cord. It was everything I wanted.
Sure, sometimes i sit there and cry over wishing i had just one more day with him, or that I cut the cord, but... when i get in my right mind, and i think back to it, all of those things are what built the special bond between both families, and that it one thing i never want to loose, and never want to think about living without.
My daughter is a blessing to me, because she really keeps me on my toes; my son, as much as I dislike his father at times, is being taken care of, and my BirthSon?? He is so blessed, and so am I, to have found such an amazing family to place him with.
Keaton recently turned three, like litereally just days ago. I got to talk to him on his birthday, and we also got to go to his birthday party. It amazes me sometimes how open his family is with he and I. The one thing his Mommy said is, her son will have no secrets, and his Momma is the most wonderful person I know. Yes.... he has two moms, well, three if you count me :)
Anyways, you can go through my past blogs, and read them all, from just days after the placement till today. It really tells an amazing story of two families becoming one. I know that open adoption does work for everyone, or that some people wish they could have had an open adoption but didnt, or that some people were forced to give their child up for different reasons.
Just be wanred, this blog is me pouring out my soul. For women who are pregnant and need to know what it could be like, for women who have an open adoption and need to know "if this is normal", and for aParents who just have questions they wish they could ask the bMom, but are too scared to.
But, to those of you who are in a closed adoption, those of you who have never seen a photo, or gotten a letter, or heard your child say "I Love You", your not alone. I have been told for 3 years that my situation is more unique then anyone else's, and so far thats been true.
My daughter was involved with doctor visits, their daughter was involved with Doctor visits, they took turns finding the baby's heartbeat. They were both at the Entrustment Ceremony, and my daughter was there the day Keaton was born.
Keatons Momma coached me throguh labor with my moms help, and his Mommy cut the umbilical cord. It was everything I wanted.
Sure, sometimes i sit there and cry over wishing i had just one more day with him, or that I cut the cord, but... when i get in my right mind, and i think back to it, all of those things are what built the special bond between both families, and that it one thing i never want to loose, and never want to think about living without.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Entry for November 10, 2008
Entry for November 10, 2008
Well, we just passed the 2 year mark nd so much has happened.
R&H have been amazing, and i still love them to death!
Keaton is having some health issues, so isnt growing as much as he should, but he is still a pretty smart kid! (Just like his BMom, lol)
everything went pretty smooth, there were a few points where i cried like i needed to, but, other then that, i think it was pretty smooth.
But if i have to say one thing, it woudl be this; if it hadnt been for the adoption being open, i dont know if i could have gotten this far the way I have.
If your reading this R&H, you two have been an amazing blessing, not only to Keaton, but to Kathleen and I as well!
2008-11-11 02:52:23 GMT
Well, we just passed the 2 year mark nd so much has happened.
R&H have been amazing, and i still love them to death!
Keaton is having some health issues, so isnt growing as much as he should, but he is still a pretty smart kid! (Just like his BMom, lol)
everything went pretty smooth, there were a few points where i cried like i needed to, but, other then that, i think it was pretty smooth.
But if i have to say one thing, it woudl be this; if it hadnt been for the adoption being open, i dont know if i could have gotten this far the way I have.
If your reading this R&H, you two have been an amazing blessing, not only to Keaton, but to Kathleen and I as well!
2008-11-11 02:52:23 GMT
coming up on two years 10-06-08
coming up on two years
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT
One Year ago 02-21-07
One Year ago
Feb 21st, 2007, 6:10am;I had to go into work early. My period was 3 days late. I knew i wasnt pregnant, so i took a test just to ease my mind. I knew it woudl come back negative, and then i could go on with my life swearing up and down never to sleep with another man!
I was sitting in the direty bathroom at my old job. It smelled like cheep cinnamon air freshiner ( i hate that smell). The sink was 4 feet away, and the table was touching my knees it was built so close.I pee'd in the cup, and dripped it onto the stick. I set the stick on the table, and flipped through a magazine. Nothing interested me, it was just to pass time, plus, i had looked at that magazine so many times while i sat on that table during breaks smoking cigarettes, it wasnt even funny. a 2005 issue of US Weekly. 5 minutes passed... "thats long enough, right?"
I looked at the test,... purple... what does purple mean? Dont these things say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" now!?!?
Blue- Not pregnant...... Purple- Pregnant.
Crap....
2007-02-21 06:34:39 GMT
Feb 21st, 2007, 6:10am;I had to go into work early. My period was 3 days late. I knew i wasnt pregnant, so i took a test just to ease my mind. I knew it woudl come back negative, and then i could go on with my life swearing up and down never to sleep with another man!
I was sitting in the direty bathroom at my old job. It smelled like cheep cinnamon air freshiner ( i hate that smell). The sink was 4 feet away, and the table was touching my knees it was built so close.I pee'd in the cup, and dripped it onto the stick. I set the stick on the table, and flipped through a magazine. Nothing interested me, it was just to pass time, plus, i had looked at that magazine so many times while i sat on that table during breaks smoking cigarettes, it wasnt even funny. a 2005 issue of US Weekly. 5 minutes passed... "thats long enough, right?"
I looked at the test,... purple... what does purple mean? Dont these things say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" now!?!?
Blue- Not pregnant...... Purple- Pregnant.
Crap....
2007-02-21 06:34:39 GMT
Entry for February 11, 2007
Entry for February 11, 2007
Well, its been a while, but, as many people know, birth-mothers cant, and really try not to let their lives evolve around the adoption.
But, i have been talking to my sons Momma a lot, she has really been helpfull during the last week or so of my life.
In hopes that the PAP's i talked to read this, i wanted to remind them of something, or share my experience i guess.
I want people to realise that, sometimes, keeping in touch with the birth-mother, or birth-parents is good. Its not always about the adoption, its also about making a connection to people that society views as more normal then us birth-parents.Its hard for us, because a lot of the time, society views us as benieth them, and we want a connection to the "in" crowd. And alot of times, the relationship with our childrens aParents is the best connection we could have.
It helps us to knwo that we ARE people too! We are not baby machines! We are normal people who deserve respect, and smiles just as much as the next person. We stood up when others may not haven been able to, and said "We cannot handle this situation, and we are not willing to let our child go through the pain and siffering they would if i dont go through with this." We are willing to put our children first, even if it means letting this child be someone elses son or daughter.We live every day remembering, but not living for the adoption. I have two other children, and "H" has been halping me in those situations. She drops in a comment here and there about Keaton, and thats great. I love to hear those things. But it has become more of a friendship than anything else. It is like hearing about a friends new baby, not my child that i have lost a connection to. And that is what has made this adoption work so greatly. And i think even if physical visits werent in our plan, the friendship we share, and the way she treats me (as an equal) makes it easier, and it eases the pain.
On a great note, i am SO EXCITED! I'm going to be visiting on the first weekend of March. My birthday is that tuesday, and i have to say, this will be the best birthday present i'll be recieveing this year. Not only do i love seeing Keaton and his sister, but i also enjoy being in the presence of "R" and "H" because they really do treat me as an equal.It easy for me to say, "Uh oh, i think he wants his mommy!" and laugh it off. Because to me, it is funny, and cute. It reminds me of then my best friend, sisiter, aunt, or mom woudl hold my daughter or son, and he woudl start crying. As much as they wanted to comfort them, it was nice to know i was the one they wanted. And knowing that they are Keatons comfort reassures me that i did the right thing. And seeing the happiness in their life grow, makes me proud to have followed Gods plan.
Well, im not sure when i will be back again. Sometimes i want to get on and write, but i have a lot going on. And sometimes, i really dont have much to say other than "Im doing great!".
I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines day!
2007-02-12 02:58:58 GMT
Comments (1 total)
Author:Anonymous
If you are really interested in a supportive forum for birthparents, that supports adoption but understand the sadness and pain that happens after placing, join us at http://www.adoptionfriendly.com/index.php--AFF
The strangest dream 01-16-07
The strangest dream
I had the weirdest dream yesterday while i was taking a nap.
i had a dream I had Keaton here with me. I signed the surrender, and R&H had custody, but, he was here with me. I was changing him, showing him off to my family, feeding him, clothing him, making his bottles for the day... it was just really weird.
I kept telling everyone who he was, and who his parents were, they all knew i went through with an adoption, but there i was, at my grandmas, for a family reunion, and it was just really weird.
He had a bedroom at my home, a crib, dresser, etc. but, i KNEW he was R&H's son, i told everyone he was. the weird part aboutit, was they were no where around.
It really gave me a weird feeling i cant describe... not sad, not happy, not upset, or uneasy... just strange...
In the end, the only thing i canget out of it is that, he will know me, and he will know my family... Im blessed for that
2007-01-16 21:45:17 GMT
Comments (1 total)
Author:Anonymous
Maybe your dreams are providing an emotional balance for the way things are in your waking life.--A Friend2007-02-15 22:35:23 GMT
01-07-07
Speaking to PAP's
Today i spoke to the Prospective Adoptive Parents at the adoption center that took care of my adoption.
It was hard, but it was awesome to talk to them. I loved being able to open up and tell them how i felt as a birth mother, but i felt like there was just something missing. Oh YEA! their questions!
I was kind of disapointed, because only three of the women were asking questions, and dont get me wrong, they were GREAT questions, but i kind of would have liked if them men asked questions too. The wifes and girlfriends arent the only ones adopting the baby, but, oh well. I guess the women woudl ask more of the questions, since, the speaker (me), is a woman.
It was exciting though, telling them about my experiences, and my journey. I really wanted them to know that it is just as hard for us to let go of our children as it was for them to let go of the ability of having children.
Anyways, it was great, and i am so glad they allowed me to come and speak to the group! I really do hope some of them stop by my blog once in a while to give a view from the birth mother. After all, if it werent for birthmothers, the adoption process would be a bit harder, huh? lol
And to my BMB's, i love you all! And im so glad to know all of you and your journeys!
*hugz and kisses*
2007-01-07 00:52:29 GMT
Comments (1 total)
Author:Anonymous
As one of the PAPs that attended the session, all I can say is thank you. As much as we've read and as much as we've heard from the agency or other adoptive parents, hearing about your experience and your feelings in your words was one of the more incredible experiences we've had so far in our adoption journey. We would feel honored if we were lucky enough to be matched with a woman as brave and as honest and as thoughtful and as nurturing and as empathetic and as respectful (and as funny) as you are. What a wonderful and important role you play by sharing your story - with us, through this blog, with others. When you shared the "thank you" poem that R or H (I can't remember which) shared with you during Keaton's entrustment ceremony, it touched me deeply and truly captured how I feel about the amazing gift of open adoption. Anyway, thanks again.--A hopeful mother-to-be2007-01-14 06:37:02 GMT
switching around the negative thoughts 12-28-06
switching around the negative thoughts
I talked to a friend today, and she really needed my help. She called me with questions about someone she was having trouble with. Not as in, they were causing trouble, but she was having questionable thoughts about it sometimes. So, i told her what i do when I question my own thoughts or personal situations.And now, i want to share them with you, because i think they might really help with any situation, not just adoption. I listen to what someone says, and i take every word they say as truth. But, i also make myself ready, if that situation should change. This way, i have a reason to believe what they say, and i have reasons to understand the reasons why if things should change. Since this is my adoption blog, i'll use my open adoption entry for the example.What I was told: This will be an open adoption, and i will be able to see my son grow up.Why I can believe this statement:1) I know H & R are wonderful people, and they would never lie to me.2) I know H & R love their children, and they want them to know where they came from, and I am the borth-mother of their son.3) H & R and I got to know each other very well, and we have an understanding and trust in eachother.4) H & R want me to be able to be there to help answer any questions that Keaton might have when he grows up, and in order for me to do that, we need to keep the lines of communication open.5) I need H & R to be there for me to answer any questions I might have about Keaton, and i need to be open and honest with them to keep that available to me.What could happen: They could change their mind, and i may not see Keaton again till he is 18, if he decides to look for me.Reasons I can understand this situation if it happens:1) I know H & R will only make decisions that are best for Keaton.2) I know H & R would only do this if they felt Keaton was in danger, or in harms way.3) I know if they felt this was best, then i can trust their judgement.4) I choose these parents for Keaton, and I have to understand and accept ANY decisions they choose for his life-path.5) I know that no matter what choices H & R DO make for Keaton are in his best interest, and they will everything possible before breaking the ties between Keaton and I.
So, you see, no matter what happens, I will have good reasons to understand why that happened. So, if i see him grow up, i know it is becuase we have trust, and love for each other. But, even if i dont see him grow up, we STILL have trust and love for each other. I chose there women to parent my son. I chose this life for him. I chose this life-path for him. BUT, before i made this decision, GOD had it all mapped out. And no matter what happens, it is what HE had planned. If its hard for me to see Keaton, i know God will help me through my fears and tears. If I smile when i leave his side, i knows its because God is putting joy in my heart, to see him with the family he was ment to be with. But, if they stop communicating with me, and ask me to step away, I know it was Gods plan for me to do that, and I will sit back (maybe crying, but understanding), and wait for God to lay out his next brick for this adoption path i am walking. Days may be filled with crying, misunderstanding, confusion, and fear, but my God will always be there, to hold me mentally, and emotionally. In the end, he will always be there for me. When the moments come that i can smile for Keaton and his new life, i know its God wrapping his arms around me and hugging me. It is God telling me he is proud of me, and thankfull that i fullfilled his plan, without letting anyone stear me off that path.Anyways, i hope some of this can help you. I want you to take this, and walk away withthe thought that maybe you can try this, even if just for a few days. It helps, expecially when you are in a depressed, or unhappy mind state. And write it down, dont just think about it. Your mind can play games sometimes. The devil can swim in your thoughts, but only God can controle your eyes. But remember, write it down, and reread it. Remind yourself that these things are real, and these things are believeable.
I also want you to know that, over the few days after Keaton was at his home, H called me almost daily, and it made me realise that, everything i wrote down was true. This adoption is open, and we do have trust and faith in eachother, and I believe everything they say. But, on the bad days, when i get scared, i use this to reassure myself that things will be OK.
H always tells me not to worry about tomorrow. And even though sometimes i do, this helps to ease my mind.**Thank you H & R for helping to bless my sons life so immensely! I love the both of you!**
2006-12-28 04:23:23 GMT
I talked to a friend today, and she really needed my help. She called me with questions about someone she was having trouble with. Not as in, they were causing trouble, but she was having questionable thoughts about it sometimes. So, i told her what i do when I question my own thoughts or personal situations.And now, i want to share them with you, because i think they might really help with any situation, not just adoption. I listen to what someone says, and i take every word they say as truth. But, i also make myself ready, if that situation should change. This way, i have a reason to believe what they say, and i have reasons to understand the reasons why if things should change. Since this is my adoption blog, i'll use my open adoption entry for the example.What I was told: This will be an open adoption, and i will be able to see my son grow up.Why I can believe this statement:1) I know H & R are wonderful people, and they would never lie to me.2) I know H & R love their children, and they want them to know where they came from, and I am the borth-mother of their son.3) H & R and I got to know each other very well, and we have an understanding and trust in eachother.4) H & R want me to be able to be there to help answer any questions that Keaton might have when he grows up, and in order for me to do that, we need to keep the lines of communication open.5) I need H & R to be there for me to answer any questions I might have about Keaton, and i need to be open and honest with them to keep that available to me.What could happen: They could change their mind, and i may not see Keaton again till he is 18, if he decides to look for me.Reasons I can understand this situation if it happens:1) I know H & R will only make decisions that are best for Keaton.2) I know H & R would only do this if they felt Keaton was in danger, or in harms way.3) I know if they felt this was best, then i can trust their judgement.4) I choose these parents for Keaton, and I have to understand and accept ANY decisions they choose for his life-path.5) I know that no matter what choices H & R DO make for Keaton are in his best interest, and they will everything possible before breaking the ties between Keaton and I.
So, you see, no matter what happens, I will have good reasons to understand why that happened. So, if i see him grow up, i know it is becuase we have trust, and love for each other. But, even if i dont see him grow up, we STILL have trust and love for each other. I chose there women to parent my son. I chose this life for him. I chose this life-path for him. BUT, before i made this decision, GOD had it all mapped out. And no matter what happens, it is what HE had planned. If its hard for me to see Keaton, i know God will help me through my fears and tears. If I smile when i leave his side, i knows its because God is putting joy in my heart, to see him with the family he was ment to be with. But, if they stop communicating with me, and ask me to step away, I know it was Gods plan for me to do that, and I will sit back (maybe crying, but understanding), and wait for God to lay out his next brick for this adoption path i am walking. Days may be filled with crying, misunderstanding, confusion, and fear, but my God will always be there, to hold me mentally, and emotionally. In the end, he will always be there for me. When the moments come that i can smile for Keaton and his new life, i know its God wrapping his arms around me and hugging me. It is God telling me he is proud of me, and thankfull that i fullfilled his plan, without letting anyone stear me off that path.Anyways, i hope some of this can help you. I want you to take this, and walk away withthe thought that maybe you can try this, even if just for a few days. It helps, expecially when you are in a depressed, or unhappy mind state. And write it down, dont just think about it. Your mind can play games sometimes. The devil can swim in your thoughts, but only God can controle your eyes. But remember, write it down, and reread it. Remind yourself that these things are real, and these things are believeable.
I also want you to know that, over the few days after Keaton was at his home, H called me almost daily, and it made me realise that, everything i wrote down was true. This adoption is open, and we do have trust and faith in eachother, and I believe everything they say. But, on the bad days, when i get scared, i use this to reassure myself that things will be OK.
H always tells me not to worry about tomorrow. And even though sometimes i do, this helps to ease my mind.**Thank you H & R for helping to bless my sons life so immensely! I love the both of you!**
2006-12-28 04:23:23 GMT
Christmas Time....12-26-06
Christmas Time....
Well, people told me it would be hard, and, it was. Christmas eve was the worst. Everyone getting ready, going to parties, getting Kat dressed, talking to Nate and Alex, listening to what everyone is doing. And realising, Keaton isnt with me. I thought it would be so much easier. I made this decision, and i am happy with the decision i made. And the hardest thing is, or weirdest i should say, is that, when "H" did call me lastnight, it didnt bother me one bit. I was happy she called, and it made me smile, and when i heard Keaton fussing in the background, i thought, "awww", and told her i would let her go to tend to the baby. And i was smiling about it. It didnt bother me.
My fear? Im disconnected the two, the child i had inside me, and the child they are now raising. I think i cry more over not feeling remorse, or guilt, then i do anything else. There are times i cry, when i just want to hold him, and cuddle to him. But i know he is being held and cuddled by two wonderful mommies. But, christmas is the hardest. You see all of the families out shopping, and you see the babies dressed up for the holidays. And you wonder, "whats he wear?", or "I wonder what he's doing right now", or "I wonder if he is getting fussy from all the things going on". I wonder if he is crying, if he is eating, if he is being fussy, i wonder if he is ok. But then, i know he is. Its just these fears I have sometimes. But, then i look back, and remember why i chose the parents i did, and i know he is well taken care of. And, i think in a way, the only way i can reassure myself that i did the right thing, and that i dont have to miss him, is by looking at his parents.
Things ended up so differently then I think any of us expected. H & R were well aware of all my "troubles", i was very open and honest with them. I didnt see any reason to lie. We set ground rules, and agreed to them. We talked about e-mails, phone calls, visits. But then, Keaton was here, and all those things got thrown out the window. They actually wanted me to come visit! They sent me a gas card to get there, and they gave my daighter and I x-mas presents, and eveything. We have become family, instead of distant friends from another town.
In the end, i know i did the right thing, because God showed my the path, and i walked it. That was all i could do. And this Christmas, i got exactly what i asked for, a phone call, and a letter. I got the family news letter, and a phone call on Christmas eve. So, if any of you have read my Dear Santa letter, then you know how i feel now.... Santa is real, and no bully is going to tell me he isnt. Because this year, he gave me the best present of all, a wonderful home for my baby boy.
2006-12-26 13:31:51 GMT
Well, people told me it would be hard, and, it was. Christmas eve was the worst. Everyone getting ready, going to parties, getting Kat dressed, talking to Nate and Alex, listening to what everyone is doing. And realising, Keaton isnt with me. I thought it would be so much easier. I made this decision, and i am happy with the decision i made. And the hardest thing is, or weirdest i should say, is that, when "H" did call me lastnight, it didnt bother me one bit. I was happy she called, and it made me smile, and when i heard Keaton fussing in the background, i thought, "awww", and told her i would let her go to tend to the baby. And i was smiling about it. It didnt bother me.
My fear? Im disconnected the two, the child i had inside me, and the child they are now raising. I think i cry more over not feeling remorse, or guilt, then i do anything else. There are times i cry, when i just want to hold him, and cuddle to him. But i know he is being held and cuddled by two wonderful mommies. But, christmas is the hardest. You see all of the families out shopping, and you see the babies dressed up for the holidays. And you wonder, "whats he wear?", or "I wonder what he's doing right now", or "I wonder if he is getting fussy from all the things going on". I wonder if he is crying, if he is eating, if he is being fussy, i wonder if he is ok. But then, i know he is. Its just these fears I have sometimes. But, then i look back, and remember why i chose the parents i did, and i know he is well taken care of. And, i think in a way, the only way i can reassure myself that i did the right thing, and that i dont have to miss him, is by looking at his parents.
Things ended up so differently then I think any of us expected. H & R were well aware of all my "troubles", i was very open and honest with them. I didnt see any reason to lie. We set ground rules, and agreed to them. We talked about e-mails, phone calls, visits. But then, Keaton was here, and all those things got thrown out the window. They actually wanted me to come visit! They sent me a gas card to get there, and they gave my daighter and I x-mas presents, and eveything. We have become family, instead of distant friends from another town.
In the end, i know i did the right thing, because God showed my the path, and i walked it. That was all i could do. And this Christmas, i got exactly what i asked for, a phone call, and a letter. I got the family news letter, and a phone call on Christmas eve. So, if any of you have read my Dear Santa letter, then you know how i feel now.... Santa is real, and no bully is going to tell me he isnt. Because this year, he gave me the best present of all, a wonderful home for my baby boy.
2006-12-26 13:31:51 GMT
News Letter 12-22-06
News Letter
Today i got a news letter from Robin and Heather in the mail. It also had a picture of the kids in it.
I was so happy to see it.
Its hard to explain, but just like when i saw my name on the dedication invitations, when i saw my name on the news letter, i just beamed!
2006-12-22 04:29:21 GMT
Today i got a news letter from Robin and Heather in the mail. It also had a picture of the kids in it.
I was so happy to see it.
Its hard to explain, but just like when i saw my name on the dedication invitations, when i saw my name on the news letter, i just beamed!
2006-12-22 04:29:21 GMT
The Adoption Ribboon 12-22-06
The Adoption Ribboon
I got this from my friend Tamara, and i wanted to share it....
The Parable of the Braided Ribbon
Adapted and revised by Victoria P.
Long, long ago, before you were even a speck of an idea in God’s heart, he and his angels created a beautiful braid made of shining ribbons. This braid was to be a very special and loved filled braid.
Each ribbon was of a different color: One a beautiful of lavender; another the softest of pinks, and the last the purest of whites. Each ribbon had a special purpose, each a vital contribution. For the braid could not be completed without all three ribbons.
The braid was created in a quiet secret place in heaven. Many angels were invited to come and assist in its weaving. When it was done the angles shouted with joy and praise. When God saw his beautiful creation, he named it “adoption” and he saw that it was good. And with that, all of heaven and earth began to praise and worship the Lord for his great work and his great love.
God then gave strands of pink, white, and lavender ribbons to people he chose on earth. It would be the task of these people to learn how to weave these ribbons into more braids. God had planned for there to be many braids made on earth, with each one being unique yet all of them beautiful.
The Lavender Ribbon
The lavender ribbon represents the adoptive family. God chose them to accept as their own a child not of their flesh. God called them to open their hearts and homes to this precious child. They would be the ones raising the child. They would be the ones hearing the first words and watching the first steps. They would be there through the long nights of ear infections, stomach flu, and croup. They would be the ones cheering on the sidelines at a soccer game or being the first to stand and cheer at the ballet recital. They would be the ones kissing the scraped knees, admiring the work of art hanging on the refrigerator. Through the tears and triumphs, they would be the ones the child would call Mommy and Daddy. No matter how the child came into their arms, they would be the ones holding the child forever.
The White Ribbon
The pure white ribbon represents the child. God chose this child, this miracle to be born of one woman and raised by another. This child would be loved and raised in the arms of a Mommy and Daddy, and loved and remembered in the hearts of a birth mom and birth dad. God also gave the child the unique task of learning how to live with the braid as an integral part of this child’s being. These special children would also have the joy of knowing how loved they are, that they were given life and that forever they would be connected to many hearts.
The Pink Ribbon
This last ribbon is pink, representing the birth family. God carefully chose women, men, grandmas, and grandpas, brothers and sisters knowing that they were up to the unique challenge of loving a child enough to choose life and then adoption. These would be people who are courageous, unselfish, and loving. The birth families’ role would be the one bearing the most pain and sadness, oftentimes bearing this burden in the quiet secret places of their soul. Their roles would also teach all involved about the love commanded to us by Jesus in John’s gospel: “Love one another as I have loved you.”
Birthmothers, birthfathers, and birth families chose to love as Christ does by sacrificing their own desires and natural instincts for the love of a child. As a birthmother lovingly places her child into the arms of the adoptive family, the braid begins to weave.
As the birthmother says goodbye to her child she can whisper these words of Jesus, “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in my love.”
2006-12-22 04:21:05 GMT
I got this from my friend Tamara, and i wanted to share it....
The Parable of the Braided Ribbon
Adapted and revised by Victoria P.
Long, long ago, before you were even a speck of an idea in God’s heart, he and his angels created a beautiful braid made of shining ribbons. This braid was to be a very special and loved filled braid.
Each ribbon was of a different color: One a beautiful of lavender; another the softest of pinks, and the last the purest of whites. Each ribbon had a special purpose, each a vital contribution. For the braid could not be completed without all three ribbons.
The braid was created in a quiet secret place in heaven. Many angels were invited to come and assist in its weaving. When it was done the angles shouted with joy and praise. When God saw his beautiful creation, he named it “adoption” and he saw that it was good. And with that, all of heaven and earth began to praise and worship the Lord for his great work and his great love.
God then gave strands of pink, white, and lavender ribbons to people he chose on earth. It would be the task of these people to learn how to weave these ribbons into more braids. God had planned for there to be many braids made on earth, with each one being unique yet all of them beautiful.
The Lavender Ribbon
The lavender ribbon represents the adoptive family. God chose them to accept as their own a child not of their flesh. God called them to open their hearts and homes to this precious child. They would be the ones raising the child. They would be the ones hearing the first words and watching the first steps. They would be there through the long nights of ear infections, stomach flu, and croup. They would be the ones cheering on the sidelines at a soccer game or being the first to stand and cheer at the ballet recital. They would be the ones kissing the scraped knees, admiring the work of art hanging on the refrigerator. Through the tears and triumphs, they would be the ones the child would call Mommy and Daddy. No matter how the child came into their arms, they would be the ones holding the child forever.
The White Ribbon
The pure white ribbon represents the child. God chose this child, this miracle to be born of one woman and raised by another. This child would be loved and raised in the arms of a Mommy and Daddy, and loved and remembered in the hearts of a birth mom and birth dad. God also gave the child the unique task of learning how to live with the braid as an integral part of this child’s being. These special children would also have the joy of knowing how loved they are, that they were given life and that forever they would be connected to many hearts.
The Pink Ribbon
This last ribbon is pink, representing the birth family. God carefully chose women, men, grandmas, and grandpas, brothers and sisters knowing that they were up to the unique challenge of loving a child enough to choose life and then adoption. These would be people who are courageous, unselfish, and loving. The birth families’ role would be the one bearing the most pain and sadness, oftentimes bearing this burden in the quiet secret places of their soul. Their roles would also teach all involved about the love commanded to us by Jesus in John’s gospel: “Love one another as I have loved you.”
Birthmothers, birthfathers, and birth families chose to love as Christ does by sacrificing their own desires and natural instincts for the love of a child. As a birthmother lovingly places her child into the arms of the adoptive family, the braid begins to weave.
As the birthmother says goodbye to her child she can whisper these words of Jesus, “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in my love.”
2006-12-22 04:21:05 GMT
Mixed feelings 12-21-06
Mixed feelings
Part of me wants to cry, but there is a bigger part of me that is smiling.
I recieved an e-mail from "H" today, and she said Keaton is 10 lbs, 22 inches long! So funny, seeing as how he was born on 10-22 lol
She told me everything they are doing for Christmas, and asked what we were doing. That was awesome. I don tknow, i guess i didnt really expect to hear from the till after the Holidays, but, it was nice to actually get to know eveything he was going to be doing!
I have no many mixed feelings this year; Kathleen and Alex will be here, but Keaton wont be. Part of me says, thats ok, he will be with his family. But another part of me hates that i will miss his first Christmas. even though he is too young to know what is going on, its still a first, you know? I know i will get pictures, and they will tell me all about it, but i wont be there, and that kind of sucks.
But, this is the path i chose as my friend "T" told me. She has been an aweosme support, and she is right. I chose this, i made the decision. And it was the best one i could make for all of us. But, he will always be my birth-son, and that will always be true. But, i am not his parent anymore, and i have to trust that "R" and "H" will do all the right things, and i knwo they will, thats why i chose them.
anyways, before i start balling, and spend the rest of my evening crying my eyes out, i better go!
Happy Holidays to everyone who is reading this, just in case im not back before Christmas! Eventhough, im sure i will be, lol
2006-12-21 17:03:48 GMT
Part of me wants to cry, but there is a bigger part of me that is smiling.
I recieved an e-mail from "H" today, and she said Keaton is 10 lbs, 22 inches long! So funny, seeing as how he was born on 10-22 lol
She told me everything they are doing for Christmas, and asked what we were doing. That was awesome. I don tknow, i guess i didnt really expect to hear from the till after the Holidays, but, it was nice to actually get to know eveything he was going to be doing!
I have no many mixed feelings this year; Kathleen and Alex will be here, but Keaton wont be. Part of me says, thats ok, he will be with his family. But another part of me hates that i will miss his first Christmas. even though he is too young to know what is going on, its still a first, you know? I know i will get pictures, and they will tell me all about it, but i wont be there, and that kind of sucks.
But, this is the path i chose as my friend "T" told me. She has been an aweosme support, and she is right. I chose this, i made the decision. And it was the best one i could make for all of us. But, he will always be my birth-son, and that will always be true. But, i am not his parent anymore, and i have to trust that "R" and "H" will do all the right things, and i knwo they will, thats why i chose them.
anyways, before i start balling, and spend the rest of my evening crying my eyes out, i better go!
Happy Holidays to everyone who is reading this, just in case im not back before Christmas! Eventhough, im sure i will be, lol
2006-12-21 17:03:48 GMT
During this Christmas Season pt. 2 12-20-06
During this Christmas Season pt. 2
This Christmas is going to be so different for me. I'll have my daighter home with me, and my son and his father will be spending Christmas eve night with us, and waking up to open gifts on Christmas morning.But one person will be missing; Keaton.Dont get me wrong, i am happy he is where he is, but i still miss him, how cant I? I miss him every day, but its not so emotional for me anymore. Not externally anyways. Kathleen and I talk about him all the time, and she always reminds me that Keaton will always be in our hearts, but there are times when i trully just want him in my arms. No one can replace him, but spending time with my family this holiday will make it a little easier.Its hard sometimes, when i think about him. I cry, because i mis shim, but i dont want anyone to know. I lie, and say its something else, but i think they know what the truth is. So, this holiday season, i'll be spending time with two of my children. But, i'm reminded about the meaning of Christmas. . . . . .
Jeasus was born to forgive us of our sins, and i will be sure to pass that along to my children. But, some people just cant help but think that having a child out of wedlock is a sin. Im sorry, i have to disagree. But that will be in another blog. The point is, Jeasus came to fogive us of our sins, but he knew what those sins would be, before we do.He also knows which sins trully are a blessing, and not wrong-doings. He gave me this child inside of my womb, to pass to the family who could not carry a son of their own. I believe he has blessed both of our families, and will continue to do so during the season. But, please remember all of the birth mothers in your prayers, and blessings this year. Here is a little secret...Someone you know has lost a child, and you may never have known they were a parent. But those few hours they spend in the hospital will remin in thie minds for the rest of their lives. wither the adoption is open or closed, you may not know; wither the adoption is open or closed, they may still be hurting; wither the adoption is open or closed, they still did the best thing they knew to do. It could be the woman who sits next to you on the bes, who always seems to be in a fog, it can be your co-worker who never goes to get a drink after work, it could even be your cousin, who spent the summer of 1997 with her "Great-Aunt", it could even be your own sister, who lives out of state.So please, when you share this holiday with your family, please remember that some of us will have one or two people missing. And even though you dont know it, we do. And even though you dont know who we are, we know who we are. So pray for us, the nameless few, who are struggling ever day, to live with the decisions we have made, for the better life of our child.
God gave his son, so that WE may have a better life. And we gave our children, so that they may have a better life.
2006-12-20 23:10:35 GMT
This Christmas is going to be so different for me. I'll have my daighter home with me, and my son and his father will be spending Christmas eve night with us, and waking up to open gifts on Christmas morning.But one person will be missing; Keaton.Dont get me wrong, i am happy he is where he is, but i still miss him, how cant I? I miss him every day, but its not so emotional for me anymore. Not externally anyways. Kathleen and I talk about him all the time, and she always reminds me that Keaton will always be in our hearts, but there are times when i trully just want him in my arms. No one can replace him, but spending time with my family this holiday will make it a little easier.Its hard sometimes, when i think about him. I cry, because i mis shim, but i dont want anyone to know. I lie, and say its something else, but i think they know what the truth is. So, this holiday season, i'll be spending time with two of my children. But, i'm reminded about the meaning of Christmas. . . . . .
Jeasus was born to forgive us of our sins, and i will be sure to pass that along to my children. But, some people just cant help but think that having a child out of wedlock is a sin. Im sorry, i have to disagree. But that will be in another blog. The point is, Jeasus came to fogive us of our sins, but he knew what those sins would be, before we do.He also knows which sins trully are a blessing, and not wrong-doings. He gave me this child inside of my womb, to pass to the family who could not carry a son of their own. I believe he has blessed both of our families, and will continue to do so during the season. But, please remember all of the birth mothers in your prayers, and blessings this year. Here is a little secret...Someone you know has lost a child, and you may never have known they were a parent. But those few hours they spend in the hospital will remin in thie minds for the rest of their lives. wither the adoption is open or closed, you may not know; wither the adoption is open or closed, they may still be hurting; wither the adoption is open or closed, they still did the best thing they knew to do. It could be the woman who sits next to you on the bes, who always seems to be in a fog, it can be your co-worker who never goes to get a drink after work, it could even be your cousin, who spent the summer of 1997 with her "Great-Aunt", it could even be your own sister, who lives out of state.So please, when you share this holiday with your family, please remember that some of us will have one or two people missing. And even though you dont know it, we do. And even though you dont know who we are, we know who we are. So pray for us, the nameless few, who are struggling ever day, to live with the decisions we have made, for the better life of our child.
God gave his son, so that WE may have a better life. And we gave our children, so that they may have a better life.
2006-12-20 23:10:35 GMT
During this Christmas Season12-20-06
During this Christmas Season
Outside the snow is falling,Inside my tears are too.Its almost christmas day,And here i am without you.I know your happy though,You live in a wonderful home.But even with your sister here,I cant help but feel alone.As your mommy holds you,I'll hold my little girl.I'll tell her the story of christmas,And how Christ came into this world.I'll tell her all the stories,Of the Angels and Jesus.And i'll be sure to remind her,that our hearts are what connect us.On this Christmas holiday,I'll miss you more then ever,But i know your mothers are keeping you warn,during this cold snowy weather.
2006-12-20 23:00:40 GMT
Outside the snow is falling,Inside my tears are too.Its almost christmas day,And here i am without you.I know your happy though,You live in a wonderful home.But even with your sister here,I cant help but feel alone.As your mommy holds you,I'll hold my little girl.I'll tell her the story of christmas,And how Christ came into this world.I'll tell her all the stories,Of the Angels and Jesus.And i'll be sure to remind her,that our hearts are what connect us.On this Christmas holiday,I'll miss you more then ever,But i know your mothers are keeping you warn,during this cold snowy weather.
2006-12-20 23:00:40 GMT
During this Christmas Season 12-20-06
During this Christmas Season
Outside the snow is falling,Inside my tears are too.Its almost christmas day,And here i am without you.I know your happy though,You live in a wonderful home.But even with your sister here,I cant help but feel alone.As your mommy holds you,I'll hold my little girl.I'll tell her the story of christmas,And how Christ came into this world.I'll tell her all the stories,Of the Angels and Jesus.And i'll be sure to remind her,that our hearts are what connect us.On this Christmas holiday,I'll miss you more then ever,But i know your mothers are keeping you warn,during this cold snowy weather.
2006-12-20 23:00:40 GMT
Outside the snow is falling,Inside my tears are too.Its almost christmas day,And here i am without you.I know your happy though,You live in a wonderful home.But even with your sister here,I cant help but feel alone.As your mommy holds you,I'll hold my little girl.I'll tell her the story of christmas,And how Christ came into this world.I'll tell her all the stories,Of the Angels and Jesus.And i'll be sure to remind her,that our hearts are what connect us.On this Christmas holiday,I'll miss you more then ever,But i know your mothers are keeping you warn,during this cold snowy weather.
2006-12-20 23:00:40 GMT
Both Sides of the Fence 12-20-06
Both Sides of the Fence
Well, this blog is going to be a little different. Its not about my adoption with Keaton. Its actually about Kathleen, my 4 yearold daughter.she turned 4 yearsold on December 7th, and today i say down to write the news letter i send her birth-fathers parents every year. I tell them little things, details i think are important about the past year, things she is learning, etc. And then i realised; She is my daughter, and i can only do so much.She has a wonderful dad, and two sets of grandparents that love her, and two brothers. So, i sat here writing, and i couldnt help but feel like i was kind of on the other side of the fence. I was sending an update to a set of grandparents that she has never met before, and that sucks. I want her to know her family, but so far, they only know her. And it is all because of my efforts to make sure they do. Kathleen is still young enough to let someone into her life, but they are at the age where, they cant make up for the years they have missed, so i try to keep them informed.
Anyways, it just felt a little weird. Nate and I are her parents, but it felt like i was reaching out to the other side of her family (her paternal birth family), the sad part is, aside of pictures, and stories from me, she dosent even know who they are.
2006-12-20 18:00:01 GMT
Well, this blog is going to be a little different. Its not about my adoption with Keaton. Its actually about Kathleen, my 4 yearold daughter.she turned 4 yearsold on December 7th, and today i say down to write the news letter i send her birth-fathers parents every year. I tell them little things, details i think are important about the past year, things she is learning, etc. And then i realised; She is my daughter, and i can only do so much.She has a wonderful dad, and two sets of grandparents that love her, and two brothers. So, i sat here writing, and i couldnt help but feel like i was kind of on the other side of the fence. I was sending an update to a set of grandparents that she has never met before, and that sucks. I want her to know her family, but so far, they only know her. And it is all because of my efforts to make sure they do. Kathleen is still young enough to let someone into her life, but they are at the age where, they cant make up for the years they have missed, so i try to keep them informed.
Anyways, it just felt a little weird. Nate and I are her parents, but it felt like i was reaching out to the other side of her family (her paternal birth family), the sad part is, aside of pictures, and stories from me, she dosent even know who they are.
2006-12-20 18:00:01 GMT
To quote a wonderful woman 12-20-2006
To quote a wonderful woman
"I still hurt and grieve just like any other birthmother. I hurt when I see him and have to say goodbye. I hurt on his birthday and through out the year because I am not the one preparing his birthday cake, filling his stocking, etc. I hurt when I hear him call someone else mother. I hurt when I see the close relationship between him and his sister. I hurt that I do not know all his likes, dislikes, and personality characteristics as I do with the son I parent. "
My friend Coley wrote this blog, and I HAD to link it. IT was so beautiful written. Although bitter-sweet, it is the truth. And i dont think anyone else could have writen it better. Everyone tells me how insightful my blog has been for them. But her blog... IT says what I have been wanting to say all along. Open Adoption = No Pain
2006-12-20 05:13:06 GMT
"I still hurt and grieve just like any other birthmother. I hurt when I see him and have to say goodbye. I hurt on his birthday and through out the year because I am not the one preparing his birthday cake, filling his stocking, etc. I hurt when I hear him call someone else mother. I hurt when I see the close relationship between him and his sister. I hurt that I do not know all his likes, dislikes, and personality characteristics as I do with the son I parent. "
My friend Coley wrote this blog, and I HAD to link it. IT was so beautiful written. Although bitter-sweet, it is the truth. And i dont think anyone else could have writen it better. Everyone tells me how insightful my blog has been for them. But her blog... IT says what I have been wanting to say all along. Open Adoption = No Pain
2006-12-20 05:13:06 GMT
Its been a while 12-19-06
Its been a while
Christmas is comign up, and its starting to become real to me. Its slowly creaping into my mind, and heart, that something is missing. I just cant put my finger on it. But i know what it is; my son.But, he isnt my son, is he? Nom he has two wonderful parents that i wouldnt trade for the world. I know he is happy, and i know they are as well. But now its starting to get to me. IT hasnt really hit me yet, and i often wonder if it will. Do i know in my heart so well, that I made the right decision? And that makes it so much easier? But, if i know it was the best thing for both of us, then why am i starting to miss him this way? I miss him as an emptiness, as a child in my arms, not as my son. I want to see him when i wake up, and i want to hear his sweet cry again. I want to watch him feed from his bottle, and i want to wipe his chin when the milk runs down. But my wish isnt to keep him. I only had one wish for him, and that was for him to have the best life i could give him, and he has that now.but i still miss him...I look at the christmas tree, still bare, and i wonder if he knows that I wont be there. I see the angel figures we'll display on christmas, and I think of Heather and Robin. I know they knew how it felt to find out neither could carry a child. Do they really understand how i feel to have given my child to a better home?Its hard. I love all of them so much, but i am still jelous. I still want to spend alone time with Keaton. I feel like i missed a lot by not taking advantage of the time in the hospital. but then, i feel like, it was better, because he got to bond with his Momma. Christmas brings about so much pain. But i thought it would skip me this year, i thought my heart was healing well, and i thought my mind was allowing me to express myself when i needed to. But, in the end, i guess there is more inside of me that i need to get out, and talk about, then i realised. I didnt want to run anyone off. I didnt want to loose that connection. I lost my son, i didnt want to loose my child.
2006-12-19 16:31:37 GMT
Christmas is comign up, and its starting to become real to me. Its slowly creaping into my mind, and heart, that something is missing. I just cant put my finger on it. But i know what it is; my son.But, he isnt my son, is he? Nom he has two wonderful parents that i wouldnt trade for the world. I know he is happy, and i know they are as well. But now its starting to get to me. IT hasnt really hit me yet, and i often wonder if it will. Do i know in my heart so well, that I made the right decision? And that makes it so much easier? But, if i know it was the best thing for both of us, then why am i starting to miss him this way? I miss him as an emptiness, as a child in my arms, not as my son. I want to see him when i wake up, and i want to hear his sweet cry again. I want to watch him feed from his bottle, and i want to wipe his chin when the milk runs down. But my wish isnt to keep him. I only had one wish for him, and that was for him to have the best life i could give him, and he has that now.but i still miss him...I look at the christmas tree, still bare, and i wonder if he knows that I wont be there. I see the angel figures we'll display on christmas, and I think of Heather and Robin. I know they knew how it felt to find out neither could carry a child. Do they really understand how i feel to have given my child to a better home?Its hard. I love all of them so much, but i am still jelous. I still want to spend alone time with Keaton. I feel like i missed a lot by not taking advantage of the time in the hospital. but then, i feel like, it was better, because he got to bond with his Momma. Christmas brings about so much pain. But i thought it would skip me this year, i thought my heart was healing well, and i thought my mind was allowing me to express myself when i needed to. But, in the end, i guess there is more inside of me that i need to get out, and talk about, then i realised. I didnt want to run anyone off. I didnt want to loose that connection. I lost my son, i didnt want to loose my child.
2006-12-19 16:31:37 GMT
Thank You, whoever YOU are.... 12-14-06
Thank You, whoever YOU are....
Today i recieved a card in the mail. It was a pretty glittery christmas card, and i thought it was really cute. But, inside, there were two gift cards for myself. I checked the postmark, and it came from Colombus, Ohio. Well, i dont know anyone who lives in Colombus, Ohio. So, if your reading this, and your the one who sent the cards, Thank you. From my heart, thank you very much. A part of me wants to do everything i can to find out who it was, but, seeing as how it came from "Santa's Elves" I think they want to remain secret. And, im ok with that, as long as they know how much this means to me! What else can I say?Thank you..... Thank you so much....Patty
2006-12-14 19:07:04 GMT
Today i recieved a card in the mail. It was a pretty glittery christmas card, and i thought it was really cute. But, inside, there were two gift cards for myself. I checked the postmark, and it came from Colombus, Ohio. Well, i dont know anyone who lives in Colombus, Ohio. So, if your reading this, and your the one who sent the cards, Thank you. From my heart, thank you very much. A part of me wants to do everything i can to find out who it was, but, seeing as how it came from "Santa's Elves" I think they want to remain secret. And, im ok with that, as long as they know how much this means to me! What else can I say?Thank you..... Thank you so much....Patty
2006-12-14 19:07:04 GMT
BLESSED! 12-11-06
BLESSED!
Today was Keatons dedication, and i have to say, it was awesome.I attended church, and we sat with the rest of his family. Because, as Robin and Heather have said since day one, we are his family, and that makes it so much easier.I dont know how to explain it, they are just great! Perfect...They included us, introduced us to everyone, and they were so open with it. Their family talked to me and my family like we had been a aprt of the family all along. Like i knew all of them for years. they kept telling me how beautiful kathleen is, and how beautiful Keaton is. And they kept telling me "Thank You." "R"s mom kelt telling me how this was such a precious gift. but, i feel like, we gave eachother a gift. I gave them the son they were unable to carry, and they gave my son the life i am unable to provide for him. What better gift is there, then the gift of life? Wither it is given at birth, or in the years that follow?Before this adoption even started to plan itself out, i had doubts on my faith, and God. But now, I know he is real, more real then anything else in this world. And i know that now, because of the wonderful life he has begun to give me."R"s mom told me that, you cant out-gift the lord. The more blessings and gifts we give to others, the more we get back. I guess i never looked at it that way. I just thought, it was an exchange of the gifts i talked about above. But now i see, God placed this child inside of me for this couple, and now that i have followed through with his big plan for me, he is now giving me a freedom to follow through with all the other plans he has for me; a life of love, blessings, and support from every one.I dont know what else to say... Its just so clear now... I finally get it, and it feels so wonderful!
2006-12-11 03:51:54 GMT
Today was Keatons dedication, and i have to say, it was awesome.I attended church, and we sat with the rest of his family. Because, as Robin and Heather have said since day one, we are his family, and that makes it so much easier.I dont know how to explain it, they are just great! Perfect...They included us, introduced us to everyone, and they were so open with it. Their family talked to me and my family like we had been a aprt of the family all along. Like i knew all of them for years. they kept telling me how beautiful kathleen is, and how beautiful Keaton is. And they kept telling me "Thank You." "R"s mom kelt telling me how this was such a precious gift. but, i feel like, we gave eachother a gift. I gave them the son they were unable to carry, and they gave my son the life i am unable to provide for him. What better gift is there, then the gift of life? Wither it is given at birth, or in the years that follow?Before this adoption even started to plan itself out, i had doubts on my faith, and God. But now, I know he is real, more real then anything else in this world. And i know that now, because of the wonderful life he has begun to give me."R"s mom told me that, you cant out-gift the lord. The more blessings and gifts we give to others, the more we get back. I guess i never looked at it that way. I just thought, it was an exchange of the gifts i talked about above. But now i see, God placed this child inside of me for this couple, and now that i have followed through with his big plan for me, he is now giving me a freedom to follow through with all the other plans he has for me; a life of love, blessings, and support from every one.I dont know what else to say... Its just so clear now... I finally get it, and it feels so wonderful!
2006-12-11 03:51:54 GMT
Just Plain Heartless12-08-2006
Just Plain Heartless
I heard about something the other day that, just tore me down. Being a parent of a child i am raising, and a birth-mother to a son who was adopted by an awesome couple... I just cant imagine doing this, or anyone else even thinking about doing this.Adoption scams? A Lady i recently began talking to (who i think is a very stong woman), and her husband, were scamed by a woman who claimed to be pregnant. She told them she wanted them to adopt the new baby, and they both agreed it woudl be wonderful. They talked all the time, and this lady even encouraged my friend to create the nursery. Only for then to find out, there was no baby. This makes me sick! HOW and WHY could someone do this?!?! what is wrong with people that they get their kicks of toying with a couples love, and emotions? Well, it really.. PISSES me off, and i will make it known. Im currently working on a new page for my website, dedicated to adoption scams. But, i dont know much about them. But, i will do all i can to find out more. I have visited links, and talked to two wonderful women. and if anyone else woudl like to talk about it, i woudl love to make it known, and aware.The thing that pisses me off even more? To know that people pose as adoption attornies, and agencies, and even adoptive parents, to scam birth-mothers, and adoptive couples. Sick.... totally sick!
2006-12-08 03:46:49 GMT
I heard about something the other day that, just tore me down. Being a parent of a child i am raising, and a birth-mother to a son who was adopted by an awesome couple... I just cant imagine doing this, or anyone else even thinking about doing this.Adoption scams? A Lady i recently began talking to (who i think is a very stong woman), and her husband, were scamed by a woman who claimed to be pregnant. She told them she wanted them to adopt the new baby, and they both agreed it woudl be wonderful. They talked all the time, and this lady even encouraged my friend to create the nursery. Only for then to find out, there was no baby. This makes me sick! HOW and WHY could someone do this?!?! what is wrong with people that they get their kicks of toying with a couples love, and emotions? Well, it really.. PISSES me off, and i will make it known. Im currently working on a new page for my website, dedicated to adoption scams. But, i dont know much about them. But, i will do all i can to find out more. I have visited links, and talked to two wonderful women. and if anyone else woudl like to talk about it, i woudl love to make it known, and aware.The thing that pisses me off even more? To know that people pose as adoption attornies, and agencies, and even adoptive parents, to scam birth-mothers, and adoptive couples. Sick.... totally sick!
2006-12-08 03:46:49 GMT
Help need not apply... 12-05-06
Help need not apply...
i recently had a conversation with someone, that really irritated me.This person, we will call her... umm, "Lee", gave her child up for adoption some years ago. She always talks about how she misses her child, and how she will never see her child, and how the aParents took the child from her, and after age 6 never kept contact.She was very verbal about her loss, and how it hurts so bad... but even after offering help, it seems like it just got worse and worse. As if, she didnt want help, she just wanted attention.I remember saying something about finding out recently, that my sons parents read my blog *Waves Hi*, and she asked me, "Donsent that feel al ittle intrusive?" Absolutly NOT. I think its wonderful. These two women have to be the most understanding women i have ever met. But, there are times, when i feel like its too much to keep saying over and over agan how i feel. And there are some things i just like to write about, or things i want everyone to know...
Point it, i write in this blog, about how my adoption is going, and that adoption includes them! I dont think it is intrusive, i think it is wonderful that they care enough to read it once in a while. It shows that they are interested, and care about ho wi dealing with things emotionally.
Anyways, the whole point of this blog is.. If you need or want help, ask for it, but if all your looking for is some attention, then please find it elsewhere! There are others who need to speak about how they are feeling, and your lies and stopries are taking away from their time!
2006-12-05 17:28:43 GMT
i recently had a conversation with someone, that really irritated me.This person, we will call her... umm, "Lee", gave her child up for adoption some years ago. She always talks about how she misses her child, and how she will never see her child, and how the aParents took the child from her, and after age 6 never kept contact.She was very verbal about her loss, and how it hurts so bad... but even after offering help, it seems like it just got worse and worse. As if, she didnt want help, she just wanted attention.I remember saying something about finding out recently, that my sons parents read my blog *Waves Hi*, and she asked me, "Donsent that feel al ittle intrusive?" Absolutly NOT. I think its wonderful. These two women have to be the most understanding women i have ever met. But, there are times, when i feel like its too much to keep saying over and over agan how i feel. And there are some things i just like to write about, or things i want everyone to know...
Point it, i write in this blog, about how my adoption is going, and that adoption includes them! I dont think it is intrusive, i think it is wonderful that they care enough to read it once in a while. It shows that they are interested, and care about ho wi dealing with things emotionally.
Anyways, the whole point of this blog is.. If you need or want help, ask for it, but if all your looking for is some attention, then please find it elsewhere! There are others who need to speak about how they are feeling, and your lies and stopries are taking away from their time!
2006-12-05 17:28:43 GMT
Finally... 12-04-06
Finally...
Well, Im finally done! I been writing this thing for so long. Well, it seems that way, but actually, its only been a little over a week. Maybe two weeks at the most, lol.Another birth mom gave me the Idea(so, if your reading this, thanks B). But, she said when her son was born, she wrote, about anything and everything. She even even sat down and wrote a small book on the journey to his birth. And i thought, thats perfect! Im always making little notes to him in the letters i write, saying "Your Mommy did ____, and it was so funny!" or "during the untra sound, your Momma held me while I cried..."So, now, he will know all those things. And hopefully knowing the whole story, will help him understand better. But, after so many years, im sure he will understand just fine. So, in case there is ever a time, place, or reason, that I have to be absent from his life, I know R&H will share it with him when he is old enough to understand. How long do I have to wait for him to read it? Who knows, only they do. they are his parents, and they will know him best. But, i do hope they read it as well. It will be alittle repetitive, since we lived those months together. But, i really do want them to know.......And another thing. Someone asked me why I call his parents R&H, or "R" and ""H". I dunno, the thing is, i guess my relationship has been so great with them, and they have been there for everything. I just cant see myself calling them his adoptive parents, or his aParents anymore. He has two parents, "R" & "H", im his birth mother, not a parent. These are two toally different things. So, although I am his birth mother, they are his parents. In my heart, and in life.... papers or not, no adoption about it... they are just that... His Parents.
2006-12-04 15:24:58 GMT
Well, Im finally done! I been writing this thing for so long. Well, it seems that way, but actually, its only been a little over a week. Maybe two weeks at the most, lol.Another birth mom gave me the Idea(so, if your reading this, thanks B). But, she said when her son was born, she wrote, about anything and everything. She even even sat down and wrote a small book on the journey to his birth. And i thought, thats perfect! Im always making little notes to him in the letters i write, saying "Your Mommy did ____, and it was so funny!" or "during the untra sound, your Momma held me while I cried..."So, now, he will know all those things. And hopefully knowing the whole story, will help him understand better. But, after so many years, im sure he will understand just fine. So, in case there is ever a time, place, or reason, that I have to be absent from his life, I know R&H will share it with him when he is old enough to understand. How long do I have to wait for him to read it? Who knows, only they do. they are his parents, and they will know him best. But, i do hope they read it as well. It will be alittle repetitive, since we lived those months together. But, i really do want them to know.......And another thing. Someone asked me why I call his parents R&H, or "R" and ""H". I dunno, the thing is, i guess my relationship has been so great with them, and they have been there for everything. I just cant see myself calling them his adoptive parents, or his aParents anymore. He has two parents, "R" & "H", im his birth mother, not a parent. These are two toally different things. So, although I am his birth mother, they are his parents. In my heart, and in life.... papers or not, no adoption about it... they are just that... His Parents.
2006-12-04 15:24:58 GMT
My first visit...12-03-06
My first visit...
It was awesome!I couldnt believe how comfortable i felt! It was like.. well, like visiting family. Although in my mind, i knew i was holding my son, it was more so, holding my nephew, and hogging him all afternoon! LOL Which, i can very well, be known to do sometimes!They are both so awesome! We had linch, and dinner with them, and then headed back home. And, it was nice to actually have a visit. Most of the time we have spent together for the last 8 months was rushed, and short. But, spending 6 hours in their home? Well, it was really cool.I called my BMB, and she reassured me that, it was ok that i didnt cry! I told her i almost felt guilty. I didnt cry, and didnt feel the need to either. Someone told me that, when they had their first visit, all they kept thinking was, "take the baby a run!" And well, all i kept thinking was, "Wow, he got so big!" and, "Hehe, im glad he dosent cry a lot!"They have such a beautiful home, and he has such a wonderful place to grow up. Although, my gosh, am i jelous! Their 3 yearold daughters room is twice the size of mine! LOLWell, what can i say? I dont have a big long blog to write about how it was so hard, and how i cried and cried, or how i just didnt want to leave. Of course, part of me didnt want to leave, but, i knew i would see him in a week. And, even if not, i knew i would be seeing him again! No big deal!Anyways... It was wonderful! And i cant wait to visit next weekend, and see everyone again. Although, i wont be able to hog him so much, as his other family will be there as well! But, thats ok. I kind of like seeing how happy they all are to be around him. Even though he isnt mine, its always nice to have a new baby in the family. And, although i gave birth to him, he is in the family God ment for him to be in, and i realise that every time i see a picture. But this time, it was all the more real, and God was there to set my mind, and heart, at ease.
2006-12-03 05:21:45 GMT
It was awesome!I couldnt believe how comfortable i felt! It was like.. well, like visiting family. Although in my mind, i knew i was holding my son, it was more so, holding my nephew, and hogging him all afternoon! LOL Which, i can very well, be known to do sometimes!They are both so awesome! We had linch, and dinner with them, and then headed back home. And, it was nice to actually have a visit. Most of the time we have spent together for the last 8 months was rushed, and short. But, spending 6 hours in their home? Well, it was really cool.I called my BMB, and she reassured me that, it was ok that i didnt cry! I told her i almost felt guilty. I didnt cry, and didnt feel the need to either. Someone told me that, when they had their first visit, all they kept thinking was, "take the baby a run!" And well, all i kept thinking was, "Wow, he got so big!" and, "Hehe, im glad he dosent cry a lot!"They have such a beautiful home, and he has such a wonderful place to grow up. Although, my gosh, am i jelous! Their 3 yearold daughters room is twice the size of mine! LOLWell, what can i say? I dont have a big long blog to write about how it was so hard, and how i cried and cried, or how i just didnt want to leave. Of course, part of me didnt want to leave, but, i knew i would see him in a week. And, even if not, i knew i would be seeing him again! No big deal!Anyways... It was wonderful! And i cant wait to visit next weekend, and see everyone again. Although, i wont be able to hog him so much, as his other family will be there as well! But, thats ok. I kind of like seeing how happy they all are to be around him. Even though he isnt mine, its always nice to have a new baby in the family. And, although i gave birth to him, he is in the family God ment for him to be in, and i realise that every time i see a picture. But this time, it was all the more real, and God was there to set my mind, and heart, at ease.
2006-12-03 05:21:45 GMT
Writing 11-28-06
Writing
Today i spent my evening reading stories of birth-mothers. I decided, i had to tell my story, lol. Is that just, normal?I started wiriting, and i couldnt stop. I have 24 pages writen, and ready to print, and i cant stop, but for tonight, im going to...
3 days till i see Keaton!!!
Today i spent my evening reading stories of birth-mothers. I decided, i had to tell my story, lol. Is that just, normal?I started wiriting, and i couldnt stop. I have 24 pages writen, and ready to print, and i cant stop, but for tonight, im going to...
3 days till i see Keaton!!!
The Holidays 11-25-06
The Holidays
Well, as expected i guess, its getting harder and hared every day.I see the Christmas lights, and the trees up already, and i keep thinking about Christmas. So, how do you deal with it? Every day i find myself tearing up, but i fight them back. Some people keep telling me thats not good, and that i should cry. But, its hard, you know? I dont want my daughter to see me cry, and i hardly ever get time to myself. and when i do, i have other things that need to be done...Well, on another note. I finally started back to work, and im so glad! Its nice to know i'll have an income now. I'll be able to have some cash for the hoildays, and i'll be able to have a special christmas, I hope.Kathleens Birthday is coming up, and it seems like its taking forever! Time flew by when the pregnancy, and now she is going to be 4 years old! BLAH! I already got her her birthday presents, and two of her christmas gifts. I have one of Alex's christmas presents, and now im going to get some clothes for them.Then you know whats next... Santa has to do some shopping! lolWell, hopefully Friday i will be visiting Keaton, so, that will be nice! But, at the same time, in excited and scared. How will i handle it? Honestly, im still scared to let them see me cry. And i dont want to do anything to screw this up. But, they have been so supportive. Well, i guess thats it for the night, i have to work in the morning!
2006-11-25 03:39:25 GMT
Well, as expected i guess, its getting harder and hared every day.I see the Christmas lights, and the trees up already, and i keep thinking about Christmas. So, how do you deal with it? Every day i find myself tearing up, but i fight them back. Some people keep telling me thats not good, and that i should cry. But, its hard, you know? I dont want my daughter to see me cry, and i hardly ever get time to myself. and when i do, i have other things that need to be done...Well, on another note. I finally started back to work, and im so glad! Its nice to know i'll have an income now. I'll be able to have some cash for the hoildays, and i'll be able to have a special christmas, I hope.Kathleens Birthday is coming up, and it seems like its taking forever! Time flew by when the pregnancy, and now she is going to be 4 years old! BLAH! I already got her her birthday presents, and two of her christmas gifts. I have one of Alex's christmas presents, and now im going to get some clothes for them.Then you know whats next... Santa has to do some shopping! lolWell, hopefully Friday i will be visiting Keaton, so, that will be nice! But, at the same time, in excited and scared. How will i handle it? Honestly, im still scared to let them see me cry. And i dont want to do anything to screw this up. But, they have been so supportive. Well, i guess thats it for the night, i have to work in the morning!
2006-11-25 03:39:25 GMT
THEY CAME THEY CAME!!! 11-20-06
THEY CAME THEY CAME!!!
WOO-HOO THEY CAME!!!Today my pictures got here. The first set of pictures of Keaton since he went home!! Im sooo excited!!!!Im so damn giddy!!! LOL
2006-11-20 19:09:12 GMT
WOO-HOO THEY CAME!!!Today my pictures got here. The first set of pictures of Keaton since he went home!! Im sooo excited!!!!Im so damn giddy!!! LOL
2006-11-20 19:09:12 GMT
Today im thankful... 11-19-06
Today im thankful...
There are a lot of things im thankful for.I guess the thing im most thankful for is my family. Im thankful for other things too. Like Birth Mom Buds, and my other friends. Im thankful for my sons aParents.But, the one thing i am more thankful for today, is my boyfriend; the father of my first two children.He is the light of my life, and the reason i have changed so much.He is all the things i needed and wanted, but never realised untill i found my true self.Well... that wasnt very adoption related, but, if you knew how supportive he was during the pregnancy, you would know it was....
2006-11-19 05:32:58 GMT
There are a lot of things im thankful for.I guess the thing im most thankful for is my family. Im thankful for other things too. Like Birth Mom Buds, and my other friends. Im thankful for my sons aParents.But, the one thing i am more thankful for today, is my boyfriend; the father of my first two children.He is the light of my life, and the reason i have changed so much.He is all the things i needed and wanted, but never realised untill i found my true self.Well... that wasnt very adoption related, but, if you knew how supportive he was during the pregnancy, you would know it was....
2006-11-19 05:32:58 GMT
Angel pt. 2 11-14-06
Angel pt. 2
As soon as i hit post, i knew i had to add something. An explination. At Keatons entrustment Ceremony, i had a song played, and i still dont think people really understood why i played it. I played the song for Keaton, but, it was about his aMoma. She would always tell me it was ok, and she still does. She always let me open up, and speak openly about my fears, and she still does! I dont know how she does it, but she does. she told me she had faith in me, even if i chose to keep Keaton, that i woudl get my life together. and on my first night in the hospital with Keaton, i knew i had picked the perfect song. I remember telling her, that, when i looked at Keaton, i coudlnt remember being pregnant, and i didnt know who that baby wa slaying in the baby-bed. But she held my hand, and told me she knew i remembered, because i took such good care of him. And even after seeing her son born, she told me it was ok. That even if i changed my mind, she understood. And of course she did, God gave her the strength to over come so much in her life, and now, she was using that same strength to not only support me, and comfort me in my time of need, but also be unselfish, by telling me it was ok if i had changed my mind. She even offered to leave the hospital if it was all just too much. she told me it was ok, and that i was going to do great things in my life. And she held my hand while I cried. She held me when icried at the ultra-sound, and she always listened to every word that came from my mouth, and gave me the most awesome, and most positive support and advice i have ever gotten. Well, when i played this song, the angel it speeaks of, is H. She became my angle, and I know she is an Angel to her wife and kids as well. I played the song for Keaton, because iw anted him to know, it was ok, and i was going to go do great things in my life, but i wanted him to know that this was the greatest of all. And i want him to know that he has that angel with him every day.anyways... heres the song
Melissa Etheridge - Talking To My Angel Lyrics
Don't be afraid
Close your eyes
Lay it all down
Don't you cry
Can't you see I'm going
Where I can see the sun rise
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright
I've always had to run
I don't know just why
Desire slowly smoking
Under the midwest sky
There's something waiting out there
That says I've got to try
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright
This town thinks I'm crazy
They just think I'm strange
Sometimes they want to own me
Sometimes they wish I'd change
But I can feel the thunder
Underneath my feet
I sold my soul for freedom
It's lonely but it's sweet
Don't be afraid
Close your eyes
Lay it all down
Don't you cry
Can't you see I'm going
Where I can see the sun rise
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright
2006-11-14 15:12:50 GMT
As soon as i hit post, i knew i had to add something. An explination. At Keatons entrustment Ceremony, i had a song played, and i still dont think people really understood why i played it. I played the song for Keaton, but, it was about his aMoma. She would always tell me it was ok, and she still does. She always let me open up, and speak openly about my fears, and she still does! I dont know how she does it, but she does. she told me she had faith in me, even if i chose to keep Keaton, that i woudl get my life together. and on my first night in the hospital with Keaton, i knew i had picked the perfect song. I remember telling her, that, when i looked at Keaton, i coudlnt remember being pregnant, and i didnt know who that baby wa slaying in the baby-bed. But she held my hand, and told me she knew i remembered, because i took such good care of him. And even after seeing her son born, she told me it was ok. That even if i changed my mind, she understood. And of course she did, God gave her the strength to over come so much in her life, and now, she was using that same strength to not only support me, and comfort me in my time of need, but also be unselfish, by telling me it was ok if i had changed my mind. She even offered to leave the hospital if it was all just too much. she told me it was ok, and that i was going to do great things in my life. And she held my hand while I cried. She held me when icried at the ultra-sound, and she always listened to every word that came from my mouth, and gave me the most awesome, and most positive support and advice i have ever gotten. Well, when i played this song, the angel it speeaks of, is H. She became my angle, and I know she is an Angel to her wife and kids as well. I played the song for Keaton, because iw anted him to know, it was ok, and i was going to go do great things in my life, but i wanted him to know that this was the greatest of all. And i want him to know that he has that angel with him every day.anyways... heres the song
Melissa Etheridge - Talking To My Angel Lyrics
Don't be afraid
Close your eyes
Lay it all down
Don't you cry
Can't you see I'm going
Where I can see the sun rise
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright
I've always had to run
I don't know just why
Desire slowly smoking
Under the midwest sky
There's something waiting out there
That says I've got to try
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright
This town thinks I'm crazy
They just think I'm strange
Sometimes they want to own me
Sometimes they wish I'd change
But I can feel the thunder
Underneath my feet
I sold my soul for freedom
It's lonely but it's sweet
Don't be afraid
Close your eyes
Lay it all down
Don't you cry
Can't you see I'm going
Where I can see the sun rise
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright
2006-11-14 15:12:50 GMT
God has a way, to make his presence known 11-14-06
God has a way, to make his presence known
Sometimes, people get a little sad, sometimes people get a little anxious, and sometimes people get a little scared or nervous. And well, some people live their lives that way, every day. I've cried more in my life, then i think an average person should. the bad part is, i know Im not the only person who feels that way. And now, this isnt compleatly about the adoption. I have other things that hurt me to. I am a very emotional person, and i neever though I would be able to actually handle this. but, now I know I can.I started praying as soon as I found out i was pregnant. Parying for some type of closure with my past, praying for forgiveness if i did something i would have regreted later. I even prayed that someone woudl show me the right way. And then, i prayed for an angel. I know it sounds silly, but, i really did. I prayed that God would send an angel into my room at night, to watch me, and to make sure i didnt do the wrong thing. I even asked him to let me talk to this angel, and to let me see this angel. I wanted so bad to see some proof, to see something that woudl make me believe again. when i found out i was pregnant by another man besides Nate, i felt as if, even though I was the person who chose to lay in bed with another man, that God was punishing me in a way that would show me i would never be forgiven. I wanted so badly to klnow he still loved me, and i wouldnt believe it unless he showed me his angle, or showed himself to me even.I went through the first couple months praying every night, even after i knew the adoption match was perfect. I still needed to know he loved me, and that i wasnt doing the wrong thing. Someone once told me, the Devil can make something feel perfect, untill he is ready to spring his true purpose on you. And i was scared i was being set up for my ultimant break-down.But, i never saw an angel, and even when i opened my heart and ears, and mind, i never heard God responding to my prayers. I would cry for a sign, "Just make the curtains move" but they would stand still. "If the baby kicks in the next 5 minutes, i know its the right thing to do..." But the baby wouldnt move for an hour, and i would reason.. "He is sleeping" But cant god make anything happen?Yes, he can... and he did. But i didnt realise it, because i was too busy looking for things that werent there. But now, I realise he did send me an angel... three, actually. And the funny thing is, I had one of his angels growing inside of me. And the other two? they were going to raise him for me. But it is so hard to believe, that someone has faith in you, when your whole life, you have believed that you didnt amount to anything.But H has become such a force in my life. I had a good mom growing up, but I am SO glad my son will have the life he has. All the time i was asking for an Angel, and God had already sent them. I never knew she would be such a driving force in my life. A part of me feels bad for saying these things, but she trully is the type of mother i wanted. I love my mom, and i wouldnt trade her for the world. but she has her own things to deal with, and i think in a way, she is such a peacemaker, that growing up, she just didnt have the energy when she was done makeing that peace. And i feel like i lost out on a lot.
Sometimes, i look make, and make actual notes "I want to do this, because i remember how much fun it was when my mom did it with me" But, most of my notes say, "I always wanted my mom to do this, and im going to make sure i do that with my daughter."but, the point of this blog is this...Dont look for the things you asked for... look for the things you ask for. I aksed so many times for God to send one of his angels into my room at night, ti keep watch over me, but the one thing i asked for the most, was for God to send me one of his Angels, and he did.
2006-11-14 15:02:49 GMT
Sometimes, people get a little sad, sometimes people get a little anxious, and sometimes people get a little scared or nervous. And well, some people live their lives that way, every day. I've cried more in my life, then i think an average person should. the bad part is, i know Im not the only person who feels that way. And now, this isnt compleatly about the adoption. I have other things that hurt me to. I am a very emotional person, and i neever though I would be able to actually handle this. but, now I know I can.I started praying as soon as I found out i was pregnant. Parying for some type of closure with my past, praying for forgiveness if i did something i would have regreted later. I even prayed that someone woudl show me the right way. And then, i prayed for an angel. I know it sounds silly, but, i really did. I prayed that God would send an angel into my room at night, to watch me, and to make sure i didnt do the wrong thing. I even asked him to let me talk to this angel, and to let me see this angel. I wanted so bad to see some proof, to see something that woudl make me believe again. when i found out i was pregnant by another man besides Nate, i felt as if, even though I was the person who chose to lay in bed with another man, that God was punishing me in a way that would show me i would never be forgiven. I wanted so badly to klnow he still loved me, and i wouldnt believe it unless he showed me his angle, or showed himself to me even.I went through the first couple months praying every night, even after i knew the adoption match was perfect. I still needed to know he loved me, and that i wasnt doing the wrong thing. Someone once told me, the Devil can make something feel perfect, untill he is ready to spring his true purpose on you. And i was scared i was being set up for my ultimant break-down.But, i never saw an angel, and even when i opened my heart and ears, and mind, i never heard God responding to my prayers. I would cry for a sign, "Just make the curtains move" but they would stand still. "If the baby kicks in the next 5 minutes, i know its the right thing to do..." But the baby wouldnt move for an hour, and i would reason.. "He is sleeping" But cant god make anything happen?Yes, he can... and he did. But i didnt realise it, because i was too busy looking for things that werent there. But now, I realise he did send me an angel... three, actually. And the funny thing is, I had one of his angels growing inside of me. And the other two? they were going to raise him for me. But it is so hard to believe, that someone has faith in you, when your whole life, you have believed that you didnt amount to anything.But H has become such a force in my life. I had a good mom growing up, but I am SO glad my son will have the life he has. All the time i was asking for an Angel, and God had already sent them. I never knew she would be such a driving force in my life. A part of me feels bad for saying these things, but she trully is the type of mother i wanted. I love my mom, and i wouldnt trade her for the world. but she has her own things to deal with, and i think in a way, she is such a peacemaker, that growing up, she just didnt have the energy when she was done makeing that peace. And i feel like i lost out on a lot.
Sometimes, i look make, and make actual notes "I want to do this, because i remember how much fun it was when my mom did it with me" But, most of my notes say, "I always wanted my mom to do this, and im going to make sure i do that with my daughter."but, the point of this blog is this...Dont look for the things you asked for... look for the things you ask for. I aksed so many times for God to send one of his angels into my room at night, ti keep watch over me, but the one thing i asked for the most, was for God to send me one of his Angels, and he did.
2006-11-14 15:02:49 GMT
To My Son, You are three weeks old today 11-14-06
To My Son, You are three weeks old today
To My Son, You Are Three Weeks Old Today
Patricia S.
Tonight I lay down crying,
because I want to hold you so bad.
I wish things could be different,I wish I weren’t so sad.
And I think that I may have
Even more questions then you do,
One day we will sit down,
I’ll try to answer yours,And you can try to answer mine too.
People keep telling me
What a beautiful and brave thing I’ve done,
But I still feel like I lost,
And I still feel like you’ve won.I really do pray you understand,
But only when you’re old enough to.
‘Cause when I chose to make this decision,
I made the best possible choice for you.
2006-11-14 14:03:54 GMT
To My Son, You Are Three Weeks Old Today
Patricia S.
Tonight I lay down crying,
because I want to hold you so bad.
I wish things could be different,I wish I weren’t so sad.
And I think that I may have
Even more questions then you do,
One day we will sit down,
I’ll try to answer yours,And you can try to answer mine too.
People keep telling me
What a beautiful and brave thing I’ve done,
But I still feel like I lost,
And I still feel like you’ve won.I really do pray you understand,
But only when you’re old enough to.
‘Cause when I chose to make this decision,
I made the best possible choice for you.
2006-11-14 14:03:54 GMT
Gods Plan 11-14-06
Gods Plan
Gods Plan
Patricia Savol
I looked you over from top to bottom,
The first thing I wondered was,
“Where did you come from?”
I saw your eyes, fingers and toes,
And oh how I cried when I kissed your nose.
I spent three days looking you over,
I never wanted to forget the way you looked.
And as I held you for the last time,
I prayed that it would only be the first.
I don’t have much to give you son,
But if love could support you;
Well, I have that by the ton!
But never forget I did this out of love,
And gave you to the angels God sent from above.
Two mothers who love you,
More then the world itself,
Two mothers who place you and your sister on a shelve.
So when the time comes when you ask the question “why?”,
Just remember I loved you first, and will till the day I die.
But this was Gods plan,
And has been all along.
Before you even came to me,
He put Us in a song.
“From Gods arms to My arms to yours”,
He created us for a reason,
And he has opened many doors.
So when your Mama kisses you,
And when your Mommy hugs you tight,
Know that I have picked them,
Because I love you twice as much,
when we are both crying at night.
2006-11-14 13:57:47 GMT
Gods Plan
Patricia Savol
I looked you over from top to bottom,
The first thing I wondered was,
“Where did you come from?”
I saw your eyes, fingers and toes,
And oh how I cried when I kissed your nose.
I spent three days looking you over,
I never wanted to forget the way you looked.
And as I held you for the last time,
I prayed that it would only be the first.
I don’t have much to give you son,
But if love could support you;
Well, I have that by the ton!
But never forget I did this out of love,
And gave you to the angels God sent from above.
Two mothers who love you,
More then the world itself,
Two mothers who place you and your sister on a shelve.
So when the time comes when you ask the question “why?”,
Just remember I loved you first, and will till the day I die.
But this was Gods plan,
And has been all along.
Before you even came to me,
He put Us in a song.
“From Gods arms to My arms to yours”,
He created us for a reason,
And he has opened many doors.
So when your Mama kisses you,
And when your Mommy hugs you tight,
Know that I have picked them,
Because I love you twice as much,
when we are both crying at night.
2006-11-14 13:57:47 GMT
Two Mommy’s for One 11-14-06
Two Mommy’s for One
Two Mommy’s for One
Patricia S.
I know it may seem strange to you,
Of why I picked two Mother’s.
But time will show you why my choice,
Made more since then most of my other’s.
I couldn’t give you much of me,
But I gave you life from my blood.
And now its time to live out
The plan God made from above.
He made this decision for us,
Long before even I was born.
But the reason he chose two Mommies,
Is to give you all my love, and even much, much more.
I love you twice as much now,
As I did when you were inside me.
And I wish more then anything,
I could have kept you with me.
But there are things you need in life,
That I cannot provide,
But the one thing I can give you,
Is a life of love and pride.
And on those days I wish I could be there,
When you fall, or trip, or have a nightmare,
Know that I am holding you twice as much,
because you have two mommies,
And with me you would have only had one.
You get two kisses, two hugs, two smiles,
Two “Good mornings”, two “goodnight’s”,
Two “Hello’s”, two “Goodbye’s”.
And when you bring home your good grades,
Two proud parents will be there to say “hurray!”
And just remember when you look at them and see two mommies,
It’s because I wish I could be there twice as much,
Every minute, of every hour, of every day.
2006-11-14 13:57:20 GMT
Two Mommy’s for One
Patricia S.
I know it may seem strange to you,
Of why I picked two Mother’s.
But time will show you why my choice,
Made more since then most of my other’s.
I couldn’t give you much of me,
But I gave you life from my blood.
And now its time to live out
The plan God made from above.
He made this decision for us,
Long before even I was born.
But the reason he chose two Mommies,
Is to give you all my love, and even much, much more.
I love you twice as much now,
As I did when you were inside me.
And I wish more then anything,
I could have kept you with me.
But there are things you need in life,
That I cannot provide,
But the one thing I can give you,
Is a life of love and pride.
And on those days I wish I could be there,
When you fall, or trip, or have a nightmare,
Know that I am holding you twice as much,
because you have two mommies,
And with me you would have only had one.
You get two kisses, two hugs, two smiles,
Two “Good mornings”, two “goodnight’s”,
Two “Hello’s”, two “Goodbye’s”.
And when you bring home your good grades,
Two proud parents will be there to say “hurray!”
And just remember when you look at them and see two mommies,
It’s because I wish I could be there twice as much,
Every minute, of every hour, of every day.
2006-11-14 13:57:20 GMT
Dear Santa 11-14-06
Dear Santa
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,Today I’ll write my list out,It really isn’t much,Maybe just a phone call,A picture, letter, or such.Its only been a month,Plus a few days more,Since the day I saw them take,My baby out the door.I swore I wouldn’t cry,and for days I didn’t dare,I knew that he understood,I know he knew I cared.But this year my list will be different,No CDs, candles or clothes,I only want one thing from you,And that’s to let him know I love him so.....Perhaps this isn’t an order, That you can fill yourself, So maybe you can ask God,If he can offer a little help.After all He sent the angels,that comfort my little man,So maybe he could ease my fears,I've done all I can.So now I’ll close this letter,With a thank you, and a please,Send my boy a piece of my heart,Because this Christmas he wont be with me.Love Always,A Birth-Mother
2006-11-14 13:44:34 GMT
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,Today I’ll write my list out,It really isn’t much,Maybe just a phone call,A picture, letter, or such.Its only been a month,Plus a few days more,Since the day I saw them take,My baby out the door.I swore I wouldn’t cry,and for days I didn’t dare,I knew that he understood,I know he knew I cared.But this year my list will be different,No CDs, candles or clothes,I only want one thing from you,And that’s to let him know I love him so.....Perhaps this isn’t an order, That you can fill yourself, So maybe you can ask God,If he can offer a little help.After all He sent the angels,that comfort my little man,So maybe he could ease my fears,I've done all I can.So now I’ll close this letter,With a thank you, and a please,Send my boy a piece of my heart,Because this Christmas he wont be with me.Love Always,A Birth-Mother
2006-11-14 13:44:34 GMT
Poems 11-14-06
Poems
I guess the biggest part of my freetime is taken up by writing, or listening to music, or reading, so... Poetry just comes naturally to me.So, i decided to share my poems in this blog, because most of them these days have to do with adoption, my adoption mostly. But, there are days when i think about how it could have been, or how it could be if things were different, and i write those poems too. So, i figured i would share them so if anyone wants to read them, they can...I'll be posting them on and off through out the day... along with some songs, and poems by others I've been touched by.
I guess the biggest part of my freetime is taken up by writing, or listening to music, or reading, so... Poetry just comes naturally to me.So, i decided to share my poems in this blog, because most of them these days have to do with adoption, my adoption mostly. But, there are days when i think about how it could have been, or how it could be if things were different, and i write those poems too. So, i figured i would share them so if anyone wants to read them, they can...I'll be posting them on and off through out the day... along with some songs, and poems by others I've been touched by.
To Cry or To Lie?
To Cry or To Lie?
I swear, sometimes, i down-talk myself so much, that i am my own worst enemy.There are times i want to cry so bad, and i wont let myself. And then, i get to the point where I can't hold it in any longer, and it come falling out of me. If i would just let myself cry when i feel it, they would be little burst of tears, silent, and slow. but i hold them in. I get scared someone will see, "What if they know how weak i am?" I get scared people will talk about me. I get scared people will say "Get over it already!" My mom always ask me "Whats Wrong Patty?" when she sees me crying, but I'm not used to that. Before, if i was crying, she would say "Whats wrong now?!" Or "Oh God.. that's not that big of a deal!"I've had depression for over 10 years, and she never really showed any sincere concern. And now, when she is hurting now too, she shows some? that's not fair! I never know what to expect, and I'm scared to open up! I want to just ball my eyes out, to yell and scream, and cry! But i cant. I get too scared. What will they say to make me feel like shit, or for that fact.. what will they say to make themselves feel better?How can I keep doing this? I no longer have a sitter for the mornings, which means i no longer have a sitter for me to go to the Dr's. How am i going to do this? How can i keep pretending that I'm OK until i loose it? I have a constant fear of people, and what they are thinking, or feeling. and that goes so beyond this adoption thing that its not even funny!I spend more time worried what people are saying about me behind my back (and even in front of me) then i do being happy about life. My brother is a huge part of that, because even the sight of him in a photo makes my stomach turn. Every time i see him, he makes me cry. I'm 23 fucking years old, and he still makes me cry. that's pathetic. My dad still acts like I'm the runt of the pack and he is a school bully. I have tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about it. And people tell me i need to get over it, or that i need to find out what I'm doing wrong. But half the time, i sit there with tears in my eyes, and all i hear is "OH come on Patty! They are just playing around!" Or if i complain about how my brother Mike treats me, my dad says "Well look how you treat him!" I sit there, like a small child who is scared to move, and that's how i treat him? I let him have at it, till i cant take it anymore, then i tell him to fuck off, or go to hell.There are honestly times i wish i could shoot him. I wish i could get rid of him. I wish i could cause him such pain... so he could see how he makes me feel. He just doesn't get it! He thinks its a joke, that its a game. Half the time i wonder if he is trying to push me over the edge. I swear there are times i see this look in his eyes that is yelling at me to go off myself.the whole point is... my family has never given a shit about how i felt before, but now that i did something that hurt all of them too, they are interested? For what? to use it against me later? Do they want to know how i feel inside so they can try and help ease the pain, or so they can throw it back at me once i am happy again? Do i cry about all of my pain, and talk it out, or do i hide it so they cant hurt me even worse later? .... Its pretty sad when all the crying you do is over your family that is always there, and not about missing the family that isn't.I never thought i could say this about him... But i hate my brother.... and i wish he would leave and never come back around, and i wish he would take my father with him,
2006-11-12 20:34:56 GMT
I swear, sometimes, i down-talk myself so much, that i am my own worst enemy.There are times i want to cry so bad, and i wont let myself. And then, i get to the point where I can't hold it in any longer, and it come falling out of me. If i would just let myself cry when i feel it, they would be little burst of tears, silent, and slow. but i hold them in. I get scared someone will see, "What if they know how weak i am?" I get scared people will talk about me. I get scared people will say "Get over it already!" My mom always ask me "Whats Wrong Patty?" when she sees me crying, but I'm not used to that. Before, if i was crying, she would say "Whats wrong now?!" Or "Oh God.. that's not that big of a deal!"I've had depression for over 10 years, and she never really showed any sincere concern. And now, when she is hurting now too, she shows some? that's not fair! I never know what to expect, and I'm scared to open up! I want to just ball my eyes out, to yell and scream, and cry! But i cant. I get too scared. What will they say to make me feel like shit, or for that fact.. what will they say to make themselves feel better?How can I keep doing this? I no longer have a sitter for the mornings, which means i no longer have a sitter for me to go to the Dr's. How am i going to do this? How can i keep pretending that I'm OK until i loose it? I have a constant fear of people, and what they are thinking, or feeling. and that goes so beyond this adoption thing that its not even funny!I spend more time worried what people are saying about me behind my back (and even in front of me) then i do being happy about life. My brother is a huge part of that, because even the sight of him in a photo makes my stomach turn. Every time i see him, he makes me cry. I'm 23 fucking years old, and he still makes me cry. that's pathetic. My dad still acts like I'm the runt of the pack and he is a school bully. I have tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about it. And people tell me i need to get over it, or that i need to find out what I'm doing wrong. But half the time, i sit there with tears in my eyes, and all i hear is "OH come on Patty! They are just playing around!" Or if i complain about how my brother Mike treats me, my dad says "Well look how you treat him!" I sit there, like a small child who is scared to move, and that's how i treat him? I let him have at it, till i cant take it anymore, then i tell him to fuck off, or go to hell.There are honestly times i wish i could shoot him. I wish i could get rid of him. I wish i could cause him such pain... so he could see how he makes me feel. He just doesn't get it! He thinks its a joke, that its a game. Half the time i wonder if he is trying to push me over the edge. I swear there are times i see this look in his eyes that is yelling at me to go off myself.the whole point is... my family has never given a shit about how i felt before, but now that i did something that hurt all of them too, they are interested? For what? to use it against me later? Do they want to know how i feel inside so they can try and help ease the pain, or so they can throw it back at me once i am happy again? Do i cry about all of my pain, and talk it out, or do i hide it so they cant hurt me even worse later? .... Its pretty sad when all the crying you do is over your family that is always there, and not about missing the family that isn't.I never thought i could say this about him... But i hate my brother.... and i wish he would leave and never come back around, and i wish he would take my father with him,
2006-11-12 20:34:56 GMT
Entry for November 9, 2006
Entry for November 9, 2006
Lastnight was bad. It was harder then any night i have had in a long time. And it scares me.I spent more time crying, and feel like crap, then anything else. There are times i wonder when this is all going to end, and there are other times that it never even crosses my mind. I feel like if i dont open his lifebook, i wont remember him, and there are times when i feel like, if i open his lifebook, i will loose my mind.I spent most of my pregnancy viewing it as a surrogancy, and now, when i think of him, i feel like maybe i dont have the right to. I disconnected myself almost right after i found out i was pregnant. and now, i feel like i ay never have a good connection with him ever.I feel like, i shoudl just let go, and let this couple raise their child. But, there is another part of me that wants to see him. But, im scared to. they tell me im welcome any time! To just call, and let them know when im coming! but, what will i do when i get there? Sit on the couch and watch them care for my son? No, their son... He isnt my son that way anymore.At the hospital, i coudl ask them to please give me some time with the baby, and they couldnt say no. But now, i dont have that right. I cant say "I'll feed him this time." I have to say, "Would it be ok if i fed him?"And there is a part of me that knows they would say of course, and yes! But i feel strange even asking. I never have a problem asking other people if i can hold their child, or feed them (as long as i know the person well enough). but, it just feels different with them. there is a huge part of me that wants to go visit him now, to see him before the dedication, but, im not sure how i would handle it. So, im not sure if i want to go...
2006-11-09 16:54:42 GMT
Lastnight was bad. It was harder then any night i have had in a long time. And it scares me.I spent more time crying, and feel like crap, then anything else. There are times i wonder when this is all going to end, and there are other times that it never even crosses my mind. I feel like if i dont open his lifebook, i wont remember him, and there are times when i feel like, if i open his lifebook, i will loose my mind.I spent most of my pregnancy viewing it as a surrogancy, and now, when i think of him, i feel like maybe i dont have the right to. I disconnected myself almost right after i found out i was pregnant. and now, i feel like i ay never have a good connection with him ever.I feel like, i shoudl just let go, and let this couple raise their child. But, there is another part of me that wants to see him. But, im scared to. they tell me im welcome any time! To just call, and let them know when im coming! but, what will i do when i get there? Sit on the couch and watch them care for my son? No, their son... He isnt my son that way anymore.At the hospital, i coudl ask them to please give me some time with the baby, and they couldnt say no. But now, i dont have that right. I cant say "I'll feed him this time." I have to say, "Would it be ok if i fed him?"And there is a part of me that knows they would say of course, and yes! But i feel strange even asking. I never have a problem asking other people if i can hold their child, or feed them (as long as i know the person well enough). but, it just feels different with them. there is a huge part of me that wants to go visit him now, to see him before the dedication, but, im not sure how i would handle it. So, im not sure if i want to go...
2006-11-09 16:54:42 GMT
11-08-2006 Its been a few days
Its been a few days....
I spent the last few days doing other things. Sunday i went down to visit my son and Nate, and i ended up staying over night. I guess in a way, i just wanted to, get away.I havent opened Keatons life book since saturday, but i look at his picture every day. funny thing is, for the last few days, i havent hurt. I havent cried since monday, and, im ok with that. I still have his blanket on my head bord, and i still have his picture on my TV in my bedroom. But, i think about him every day, and dont cry. So, i guess in a way, thats a good thing. Right?Next week i have my second adoption meeting at a church here in Shaker. the lady from the Adoption Network said its a lot bigger! Good thing, cuz there was only one other lady at my first meeting, lol.Anyways, i guess thats it for now, I really try not to talk about it much, because then it hurts more. I knwo i wont forget him, but sometimes, if i dont think about him, or think i forgot to think about him for a few hours, i feel guilty.
2006-11-08 18:15:57 GMT
I spent the last few days doing other things. Sunday i went down to visit my son and Nate, and i ended up staying over night. I guess in a way, i just wanted to, get away.I havent opened Keatons life book since saturday, but i look at his picture every day. funny thing is, for the last few days, i havent hurt. I havent cried since monday, and, im ok with that. I still have his blanket on my head bord, and i still have his picture on my TV in my bedroom. But, i think about him every day, and dont cry. So, i guess in a way, thats a good thing. Right?Next week i have my second adoption meeting at a church here in Shaker. the lady from the Adoption Network said its a lot bigger! Good thing, cuz there was only one other lady at my first meeting, lol.Anyways, i guess thats it for now, I really try not to talk about it much, because then it hurts more. I knwo i wont forget him, but sometimes, if i dont think about him, or think i forgot to think about him for a few hours, i feel guilty.
2006-11-08 18:15:57 GMT
11-02-06 Running into the arms of love
11-02-06 Running into the arms of love
today, i couldn't take it anymore. I keep telling people how, i am fine some days, and others i cry. Truth is, i cry every day. There isn't a day that goes by that i don't cry, and scream into my pillow. Today, i just couldn't take it anymore. I had to run away.So, i went to the only place i knew, my Aunts. I walked into the house, and i hugged her, and cried. I didn't want to let go, i could feel myself wanting to collapse, wanting to loose it all. I wanted to lay down, and bury myself alive in a blanket, and just let it out for hours, and fall asleep.sometimes, i feel like its the only thing to do anymore. I cry... that's my thing. But i hide it, because, well... i don't know what else to do. I've been unhappy so much in life, that people got sick of hearing about it. Now, i don't want to bother them with it. So, i go to my room, or cry in the shower, or pretend I'm OK. But I'm not OK, and even though they know that, most people would rather pretend that i am OK. I know its hard for others, and I'm not asking for everyone to focus on me, and tell me its OK.I'm not stupid, i KNOW its not OK. I KNOW I'm going to hurt for a long time, and i KNOW I'm going to cry for a long time. But tell me you understand, tell me you miss him too, tell me I'm not the only one who wants to hold him again. And don't hide it from me. I NEED to know how you feel! I NEED to know you feel the same way i do.Well... I guess in the end, i cant make them share their feelings, just as much as they cant make me stop hurting.
2006-11-03 04:12:38 GMT
today, i couldn't take it anymore. I keep telling people how, i am fine some days, and others i cry. Truth is, i cry every day. There isn't a day that goes by that i don't cry, and scream into my pillow. Today, i just couldn't take it anymore. I had to run away.So, i went to the only place i knew, my Aunts. I walked into the house, and i hugged her, and cried. I didn't want to let go, i could feel myself wanting to collapse, wanting to loose it all. I wanted to lay down, and bury myself alive in a blanket, and just let it out for hours, and fall asleep.sometimes, i feel like its the only thing to do anymore. I cry... that's my thing. But i hide it, because, well... i don't know what else to do. I've been unhappy so much in life, that people got sick of hearing about it. Now, i don't want to bother them with it. So, i go to my room, or cry in the shower, or pretend I'm OK. But I'm not OK, and even though they know that, most people would rather pretend that i am OK. I know its hard for others, and I'm not asking for everyone to focus on me, and tell me its OK.I'm not stupid, i KNOW its not OK. I KNOW I'm going to hurt for a long time, and i KNOW I'm going to cry for a long time. But tell me you understand, tell me you miss him too, tell me I'm not the only one who wants to hold him again. And don't hide it from me. I NEED to know how you feel! I NEED to know you feel the same way i do.Well... I guess in the end, i cant make them share their feelings, just as much as they cant make me stop hurting.
2006-11-03 04:12:38 GMT
11-01-06 Family "Practice"
11-01-06 Family "Practice"
Its getting old... the way we run this family.Either we talk too much, or we don't talk enough. And in a time like this, we NEED to say how we feel. And some people feel like that's just not the thing to do. I talk openly with those who are willing to listen; my 3 year-old daughter even ask me questions, and i answer them the best i can. I reassure her that the parents that adopted Keaton are good people, and i know in my heart we will see him again. And she is happy with that answer. But others just don't feel the need to talk, and it upsets me...Some people think its OK to hide how they feel, or share it with everyone but me. And well, that's about the worst thing you can do. Specially when its my own mother. She has held me once while i cried, and since then, she has dis-lodged herself from me. When i cry, she ignores it, or gets herself more into what she is doing. When i want to share those fears, and those tears with her, she makes herself unavailable. Doesn't she know those things hurt me more then the whole adoption? She sat there and shared a meal with all of us, and she didn't have to. She told me she believes i will see him again, and at the last minute, i went to HER to ask if i should sign the papers, or have them bring the baby to our home. She said she believed he was in a good home, and that i should sign the papers, so, i did!Why didn't she share those fears with me? The same fears, and feelings i have been having for the last 9 months, and she wont tell me? Doesn't she understand that we could help each other? Hell, i know I'm her daughter, but i would like to be there for her, even if she cant be there for me.Don't get me wrong, when i cry, i don't want anyone but my mother, but she is so wrapped up in her computer games that i don't get her shoulder to cry on. I don't know what i did wrong, but I've lost my mother somehow over the last year, and all i know is, at a time like this, i wish i could have her back.
2006-11-01 15:34:28 GMT
Its getting old... the way we run this family.Either we talk too much, or we don't talk enough. And in a time like this, we NEED to say how we feel. And some people feel like that's just not the thing to do. I talk openly with those who are willing to listen; my 3 year-old daughter even ask me questions, and i answer them the best i can. I reassure her that the parents that adopted Keaton are good people, and i know in my heart we will see him again. And she is happy with that answer. But others just don't feel the need to talk, and it upsets me...Some people think its OK to hide how they feel, or share it with everyone but me. And well, that's about the worst thing you can do. Specially when its my own mother. She has held me once while i cried, and since then, she has dis-lodged herself from me. When i cry, she ignores it, or gets herself more into what she is doing. When i want to share those fears, and those tears with her, she makes herself unavailable. Doesn't she know those things hurt me more then the whole adoption? She sat there and shared a meal with all of us, and she didn't have to. She told me she believes i will see him again, and at the last minute, i went to HER to ask if i should sign the papers, or have them bring the baby to our home. She said she believed he was in a good home, and that i should sign the papers, so, i did!Why didn't she share those fears with me? The same fears, and feelings i have been having for the last 9 months, and she wont tell me? Doesn't she understand that we could help each other? Hell, i know I'm her daughter, but i would like to be there for her, even if she cant be there for me.Don't get me wrong, when i cry, i don't want anyone but my mother, but she is so wrapped up in her computer games that i don't get her shoulder to cry on. I don't know what i did wrong, but I've lost my mother somehow over the last year, and all i know is, at a time like this, i wish i could have her back.
2006-11-01 15:34:28 GMT
10-31-06
Well, i spent most of my time today (so far) sleeping!
I keep printing things out for the life book, but im trying not to open it so much. I think seeing the pictures is making me miss him even more.
I know its going to happen; you can give a child away, and not him them! But, my b/f thinks that the more i look at the book, the more i hurt. So, im just trying not to look at it so much.
Im going to try NOT to even open it at all today, lol. Yea, that sounds kind of werird, but, its become my addiction. I cant stop looking at it. And i have apicture fram with his picture in it ontop of the TV in my room, and i look at it every day.
Sometimes i wonder if i gave him away for all the right reasons, or if there was something i missed. If there was some way i could have done it.
Well, the only thing left to do now is to get used to it. I'll never get over it, but i will have to understand that this is the choice i made, and i cant change it now.
I have a lot of songs i keep listening to, and thinking of him. So, im going to be posting some blogs that, i hope, will touch some of you, like the lyrics have touched me.
I may not get them up right away, but i will get them up as soon as I can.
2006-10-31 17:13:29 GMT
I keep printing things out for the life book, but im trying not to open it so much. I think seeing the pictures is making me miss him even more.
I know its going to happen; you can give a child away, and not him them! But, my b/f thinks that the more i look at the book, the more i hurt. So, im just trying not to look at it so much.
Im going to try NOT to even open it at all today, lol. Yea, that sounds kind of werird, but, its become my addiction. I cant stop looking at it. And i have apicture fram with his picture in it ontop of the TV in my room, and i look at it every day.
Sometimes i wonder if i gave him away for all the right reasons, or if there was something i missed. If there was some way i could have done it.
Well, the only thing left to do now is to get used to it. I'll never get over it, but i will have to understand that this is the choice i made, and i cant change it now.
I have a lot of songs i keep listening to, and thinking of him. So, im going to be posting some blogs that, i hope, will touch some of you, like the lyrics have touched me.
I may not get them up right away, but i will get them up as soon as I can.
2006-10-31 17:13:29 GMT
10-30-2006
My son, Keaton Nicholas was born exactly 8 days ago. He was placed with a loving family with two mommies.
I chose the family i did, because i wanted him to be in a home that would give him twice as much love as i wanted to give him. What else can give a child twice his mothers love, other than two mothers??
Im currently doing a LifeBook, and i am always looking for new things to add.
I also have a 3 yearold daughter, who will be 4 in december, and a 2 yearold son. Im from the Cleveland, Ohio area, and i am always looking for birth moms who woudl like to chat, e-mail, or even swap blogs to read and comment.
Im involved with an AWESOME group called Birth Mom Buds, and they are all awesome women! If it werent for my mentor Tamara, and the awesome leader Coley, im not sure where i would be today.
I gave birth on 10-22-06, and was discharged from the hospital on the 24th. I also had an Entrustment Ceremony for the baby on the 24th, and it was a huge success! And i highly recomend it for ANYONE who is doing an adoption, semi-open, or compleatly open!
The parents and I have become close friends, but at the last minute, the doubts started to set in. But, when we spoke freely about how we felt for each other, it really reassured me that i was doing the right thing, and the best thing i could for my son.
Anyways, this blog will be my record for all the trials I personally go through during this adoption. I promise to update as often as i can, or, at least try to.
Not all of us can get paid for writing *wink* (you know who you are!)
Anyways, i hope you enjoy.
I chose the family i did, because i wanted him to be in a home that would give him twice as much love as i wanted to give him. What else can give a child twice his mothers love, other than two mothers??
Im currently doing a LifeBook, and i am always looking for new things to add.
I also have a 3 yearold daughter, who will be 4 in december, and a 2 yearold son. Im from the Cleveland, Ohio area, and i am always looking for birth moms who woudl like to chat, e-mail, or even swap blogs to read and comment.
Im involved with an AWESOME group called Birth Mom Buds, and they are all awesome women! If it werent for my mentor Tamara, and the awesome leader Coley, im not sure where i would be today.
I gave birth on 10-22-06, and was discharged from the hospital on the 24th. I also had an Entrustment Ceremony for the baby on the 24th, and it was a huge success! And i highly recomend it for ANYONE who is doing an adoption, semi-open, or compleatly open!
The parents and I have become close friends, but at the last minute, the doubts started to set in. But, when we spoke freely about how we felt for each other, it really reassured me that i was doing the right thing, and the best thing i could for my son.
Anyways, this blog will be my record for all the trials I personally go through during this adoption. I promise to update as often as i can, or, at least try to.
Not all of us can get paid for writing *wink* (you know who you are!)
Anyways, i hope you enjoy.
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